LIFE AS SHE SEES IT : VOWS by Adesuwa

SOURCE : www.djalandodson.com

"My son is autistic”.

Her words hung in the air like a stench. I tried to digest the import of what she had said for some seconds. To be honest I was not paying attention to her until she said those words. I was thinking about all the files piled up on my table and the couple who had left me about an hour ago. Their problem was that they had no problems at all. They have five lovely kids who were doing well, very good jobs and appeared to lack nothing. However, Mr. Husband needed a son and has recruited a mistress to bear him one culminating into a call for divorce by his wife. It was tough sitting through the session with them, all the while asking myself if family law was the only branch of law my brains could carry.

I shifted in my seat and studied the woman sitting in front of me closely. Suddenly, my office felt small. I always considered it to be lush and comforting but not today.

Mrs. Ofoluwa is a kind of person one would describe as calm and collected, not a hair out of place and to crown it all she is beautiful. She carried herself with poise, which was both sensual and overpowering; She was tall, ebony skinned, did her hair into a bun… I Snapped out of my reverie, grabbed my pen, wrote ‘autistic’ on my note pad and looked up at her raising my eye brows.

“I did not discover this until Timi was about sixteen months old when he was diagnosed to be suffering from Autism Spectrum Disorder”She sighed deeply and shifted her gaze to the calendar hanging on the wall. 

"There was something quirky about him. He hardly made eye contact and almost did not feel pain. He would hit his head continuously on the wall or any available surface, he did not respond to his name until you repeatedly called out to him. He could not walk or pronounce words, not even ‘Timi”. Soon the daycare center where I registered him with, to help care for him while I went to work started complaining about his behavior. I took him to another and another but it was the same story. It was embarrassing, so I resolved to home-school him but after hiring about three teachers to do this, I gave up. I resigned from my job so I could always be there for him. He did not get better, it was worse when he was upset. He could not express himself, he would throw things, hit people and yell!” she held her head.

She returned her gaze to me, her eyes full of tears. I felt weak and glued to my chair. “Do you know what it kmeans to have a sick child who can not tell you what he is feeling?” She stood up and started pacing. 

"What did I not do? At first I was in shock and blamed myself for inflicting him with autism. I would cry and cry. Then I ran to God, Oh! I prayed!” She slammed my table with her palm without notice, my hand flew to my chest. She had this wild glare and she leaned towards me. With the way she looked, anything I said at that time could fetch me a slap so I looked down to the floor and folded my arms.

“I fasted and organized vigils for my son. I even allowed one of these white garment churches scrape his hair during one of the many prayer sessions. God did not answer me” She wailed. 

“I could not take him outside the house, because he could start his tantrums and people would stare down at me like I was a failure as a Mother. One woman once said I spoiled him and was a bad mother”.

She stood straight and folded her arms, “I was broken and vexed at God. Well, I picked up myself and started researching. The doctors said there was no cure for autism but that I could learn to help Timi to manage it. First, I joined other parents suffering same online and read every material I could lay my hands on about autism. Ha! Barrister I read. I learnt to care for him, placed him on a special diet and gathered that autistic children had huge amounts of iron in their blood. I sent his specimen to a hospital at India to find out how much iron he had in his system. It was quite high, but I drew strength from the Autistic community I joined and learnt a lot. With time, his iron levels dropped.  Timi started walking at three years old and said his first word when he was four. His first word was ‘Mummy’” tears flowed freely from her eyes. 

I walked to where she stood and wrapped my arms around her shoulder, I cried with her. We stood that way for a while, then I led her to the sofa at the corner of my office. She held my hands tightly.

 “In all of this Fola was never there” She looked bewildered

“Who is Fola?”

“My husband”

“He blamed me and even called me a witch! Yeh! emi? Me” She flung my hands aside and stood up again. “We swore for better for worse! In sickness and in health!” she was shouting now and beating her chest.

“Please…” I stood up spreading my arms.

She held out her hand at me, signaling me to stop talking. Her makeup was skewed, tears had mixed with mucus and was dribbling down her jaw. “What can you call what I went through all alone? What is the purpose of marriage!?” She sank to her knees

“I feel betrayed. Since Timi’s illness started, Fola changed. I cannot remember when he held Timi or called him ‘son’” She looked into oblivion, appearing to be very deep in thoughts as I searched for words to say.

To be Continued

DOES THE SEX MATTER?

Oh how I have missed doing this! A couple of people have asked me if I have “stopped writing” because I haven’t posted on the blog in a while. No I haven’t stopped writing.  I can’t even if I tried to be honest. In fact what has happened is that recently I have been doing a different type of writing because I went back to school (yea yea, I no dey tire for book abi? haha) and I have been swamped with research and deadlines. There is so much I want to write but I lack the time to type them up so I have been stuck with writing and storing in my head. I have also been focusing more on my fitness journey which I tell you is consuming on its own!  PHEW! Maybe one of these days I might do a piece on how I have lost 26kg so far (about 20kg more to go), developed a new mindset, gained my confidence back and the ups and downs that comes with weight-loss (the struggle is real people!) .  So you see, juggling all that with writing for the blog hasn’t been easy. I need to learn to balance it. 

Today’s piece was inspired by my conversation with a new friend of mine.  Our latest conversation made me realize how much pressure the African woman puts on herself to please society. My friend is happily married with 4 beautiful kids but the “problem” is that they are all GIRLS!  Well to her it’s a problem! Why? Because they are ALL GIRLS.

SOURCE- www.healthyblackwoman.com

She is currently partnering with her gynecologist to try for another baby which she hopes will be a boy.  I was curious to know why because she seemed so worried by it.   In a nutshell her husband is the first son, and the wife of the second son already has 2 boys. To her she feels as though he has made her husband loose his “position and inheritance within the family by not giving him a son  and wants a chance to make things right”  I bet a lot women have this mentality and are in such circumstances where they constantly heap blame on themselves for not giving the man a son.   What a defeatist feeling!

Hold on honey. First things first, you are not the one who GIVES a son.  It is up to God to give us whatever he knows is best for us.  Ever seen or heard stories of pregnant women that do a scan at the 8th or 9th month and are so confident of the baby’s sex, only to end up with a different sex entirely or with more than the number of babies the doctor saw?  That goes to show that we as humans have limited control over a baby’s sex. Of course someone will argue that we can pray whatever we want into existence by faith but isn’t it still left to God to make it happen? 

Second, we need to start seeing every child as IMPORTANT and a BLESSING from God.  It’s worrisome to know that some children are more preferred than some. In other words, some are born to fulfill a particular purpose while are just born to fill the earth?   Wrong. Both the female child and male are beautiful and equal and it’s about time we started seeing them as that.  Why bring in children into the world you won’t love equally? Why should the sex of a child play a role on how much he/she is valued? Why should this even matter? Its 2015 guys!  Oh wait, what am I saying? Its 2015 and female genital mutilation, child/forced marriage, wife inheritance, widowhood rites, marital rape etc still happens.  So no surprises here.

Third, STOP PRESSURING YOURSELF!  It is bad enough that we are women from a cultural background that unfortunately encourages male domination/intimidation and constantly under pressure by the society to live up to “standard” (which rarely favors the woman) isn’t that hard enough? Why add more?  Self-imposed pressure is almost suicidal if I am asked because you only end up putting your health at risk and not enjoying your marriage or children!  Not having an “heir” doesn’t in any way make you a failure. After all the pregnancy problems, bizarre changes some of our bodies go through, the long labor pains, the painful c-section e.t.c ?  Oh no you are not! In fact you are the strongest creature alive and you deserve to celebrate yourself! 

Today I compared this lady’s situation with thousands of women who have been waiting so long to experience motherhood and I am 150% sure the latter would give an arm to be in her shoes. Talk about ingratitude!  Again, I expect someone to argue that I can sit in my own corner and say all this because I am not married or had just girls. Yes, you are right on both accounts but I promise you that I do not and will never think of a girl-child any less than I would think of a boy-child (although I am slightly partial to the girls…not unexpected though. LOL) but seriously, I will appreciate any sex God blesses me with. 

Finally, dear woman, please learn to relax and enjoy your God given role as a woman –a help-meet to your man. When God says we are a “help-meet”, I am not sure he meant we are to be perfectionists that will drive the man into his place of inheritance.  He definitely expects us to let Him work through us to bring fulfillment to our spouse. 

WOMEN, LOVE AND AFRICA

Recently I witnessed a situation that got me both upset and angry at the same time. Here’s a summary of what happened:

A young friend of mine has been married for about four years now to her husband and they both have 2 beautiful kids.  She had complained severally that her husband seemed to be cheating on her. He was in the habit of staying out late, leaving the room to pick his calls and going for sudden unplanned “conferences” etc. The signs were obviously there. The few times she mustered courage to confront him, he would knock her around her and not speak to her or touch her for days and sometimes weeks. Everyone told her to endure….

Eventually, she got information that her husband not only spends time with a particular lady in the same town, but also rented the apartment where they both stay. She went fishing and found them in the said apartment. There was exchange of words between the three of them and somehow a fight ensued between both women. Her husband later left with the lady. On the night of same day, he beat her up black and blue then sent her out of their home with nothing except the clothes she had on. She put up with a friend that night. The next day, her husband asked her to come and pack her things and leave with the kids. This she did unwillingly.

Family eventually stepped in and she was advised to apologize to him so she could take her back. she did and after series of pleading by all who cared to talk to him, he reluctantly asked her to come home but on his terms- he took away her car keys and phone from her, he won’t give her money anymore (she’s a house wife) and their first daughter who is two and half years old will no longer attend the play school but will be home schooled by the wife.

As I write, it’s been about two months now and her husband doesn’t speak to her or eat her meals. All this while all she has been told is to endure and pray….

SOURCE: www.360nobs.com

Believe me, a lot more than this happened which I cannot bore you with. However, during the few meetings held to settle this case, I kept asking why the man, whose actions directly and indirectly is the cause of the whole drama in the first place, will not be called to order. I was of the opinion that his constant cheating habit needs to be addressed because he has apparently forgotten what marriage means or how sacred the vows he took before God to love and cherish his wife are.  This was the response I got from the mothers present:
 “This is Africa o and it is the man who is marrying you not the other way round.  These things happen and cannot be avoided. A woman should only pray to have to have kids and so long the man keeps providing for her and the kids , she should just ignore his excesses. She has to learn to make herself happy”
One of the women even went as far as saying that “African men are incapable of loving a woman truly. All that one happens with oyibo people” 

I was visibly angry and gave them a piece of my mind and of course I was tagged as being young and blinded by “women emancipation and human rights thinking”.  This wasn’t the first time I had heard such lie but coming from people I saw as well educated made me cringe. Apparently they were talking for their personal experiences unfortunately.

Well, contrary to popular beliefs, I do not agree that men are polygamous in nature, men are dogs or that all men must cheat. NO! IT IS A BIG LIE!  This has nothing to do with women emancipation, being a feminist or believing in human rights. I think people conjure up such crap to suit themselves and make excuses for their bad actions/habits. My stand is that CHEATING like everything else in life is a CHOICE and is not restricted to any particular race or gender.  Both can. The same SELF-CONTROL is available to both the male and female alike. You have a choice to either take that girl you met at a bar to a hotel room or not. You have a choice to either take your clothes off for another man or not as a woman. At that decision making point, you have a choice to either listen to the quiet voice in your head telling you to stop right there or regret your actions later; or simply throw caution to the wind and damn the consequences.

The reason why a lot of men in our society seem to think “it is our right to cheat” exclusively and even brag about it audaciously is because of the society has deceived them into believing that they are incapable of living a normal life with one woman.  They grow up seeing this happen around them and even in their homes. Sadly too, women, especially African women, have been brain washed to believe these lies and continue to pass them on to their female children generation after generation. This is why our mothers endure a lot of crap from men in silence and hang on desperately to a man who shamelessly cannot keep his eyes/hands off every other woman he sees. Growing up to witness this continuous cycle, we are now forced to think this is how life should be.

 Just like in the life scenario above, all everyone seems to be concerned with is the “poor attitude” of the young woman towards her husband and how she handled the discovery of his mistress. Agreed, she didn’t handle that particular issue with wisdom because I would never advise a woman to fight her husband in public.  Besides the fact that he is still your husband (your head),  It is absolutely wrong and doesn’t speak well of your ability to control your emotions.  But then again, we cannot overlook the fact that it was a display of pent up frustration which people handle differently. Her ill-informed actions however, does not preclude the man from being cautioned and made to see that he is very wrong. He broke his VOWS for crying out loud and there we were concerned more about massaging his African ego when he should be the one crawling and begging to be taken back. Oh please! What happened to “Husbands love your wife as Christ loved the church?” (Ephesians 5:25) Question is HOW DID CHRIST LOVE THE CHURCH? 

I have met a number of single men and married men alike who do not cheat. Yes there are such men. Do not turn up your nose just yet. The fact you aren’t staying faithful doesn’t mean that someone else isn’t. Look around you, not everyone trivializes sex, relationships, faithfulness and marriage. There is nothing like “A man cannot be faithful” ,it’s all about STANDARDS and VALUES which has little to do with morality if you ask me.  You will rubbish whatever you do not value (including relationships, marriage and a wife) and a man without standards will be easily swayed to the tune of the ungodly bandwagon.  On the other hand your standards and values determine what you will fight for or refuse to settle for.

Dear African woman, do not settle, endure or manage a cheating man just because you have been told that “All men are the same” You are too precious to be treated as a piece of rag that cannot have a say.  For the sake of clarity, I will never advice a married woman to leave her home if her husband cheats on her but then I will never advise her to endure and suffer in silence.  Apply wisdom and SPEAK UP because you deserve to be treated better and should be heard. You have to consciously believe that:

• Relationship/marriage is NOT meant to be endured but enjoyed. Therefore, you have a right to talk about the issues that make you unhappy in it and vice versa.
• Oh yes, African men are capable of loving their women. Love is not restricted to men of other races.
• Men are NOT polygamous in nature and can stick to loving that woman they choose to be with.
• No man is a dog. God forbid.  To say that is to make nonsense the creation work of God himself. If man was created in the “image and likeness of God” how dare we lower his creation to dogs far beneath our status?
• All men DO NOT cheat. Trust me I know so.  Besides the fact that there is no genetic or scientific proof of this, there are men around us who have proven that it is possible not to sleep around.
• Men are NOT more likely to cheat than women.  Same reason I gave above.  Both gender have the ability to cultivate self-control.
• Cheating is a choice.

To everyone, both male and female, who grew up hearing the lie that it is okay to cheat, who saw that lie lived before their eyes, who read M&B or Hints magazine documenting lives of cheaters as "cool", I tell you FAITHFULNESS is possible, attainable and achievable! AS A MAN THINKETH IN HIS HEART SO IS HE!

Love, Always

ELLA

MISPLACED PRIORITIES!

This is a true life story.

SOURCE - www.234forum.com

I have been very good friends with David (not his real name) for about 3 months now and never for one day did he mention he was married. There was almost nothing to make me suspect his status –no wedding band, no pictures, no mention of a family. Not that I was checking anyway but it is always easy to sniff out a married man.  Recently we talked, really talked and out it came. He has been married for a little over 3 years and has a son with his wife. So what was the problem? Why doesn’t he ever talk about his family?  It was obvious he loved his son so much but not his wife. WHY??? 

Here’s what I found out. He met his wife 6 years ago while they were serving as corps members. She was actually crowned the “Miss NYSC” of their batch so I imagine she must have been tall and very pretty.  Naturally, beauty queens are usually slim and was that way when they got married. They were happy until she got pregnant and had their first child. My friend gradually began to lose interest in his wife the moment she got out of shape while she was pregnant. It got worse after she put to bed because she never lost the "baby fat" and has even become bigger than when she was pregnant. 

I got curious and asked why he was so bothered about her weight. He said he had always loved her figure while they were dating and that was one of the reasons why he married her in the first place.  (The ONLY reason if you ask me) Now she disgusts him and he can’t bear the thought of touching her. so the sex is gone too. It seems as though the more he hates her, the bigger she gets. They never go out together anymore, they keep fighting over the slightest issues and he now spends more time outside his home. He is even contemplating leaving her.

This scenario isn’t new. It is just one of the many issues that go on within marriages and relationships today. After nearly two hours of listening, one phrase kept ringing in my head – WRONG FOUNDATION. I am no marriage/relationship expert but I do know that any relationship/marriage built on a wrong foundation will fall just like a pack of cards –like this one was about to –sooner or later. 

SOURCE- www.blackloveadvice.com

It’s ok to love and marry a man for his six packs, his height, a woman for her curves, hips, eyes, pretty face etc. However, the crucial question here is – when that physical attribute you love that person for is taken away, WILL YOU STILL LOVE HIM/HER?  What happens when Mr Six-pack stops working out and graduates to Mr Pot-belly? What happens if that pretty tall lady has an accident, gets a burnt face and ends up in a wheel chair for life or gets her legs amputated? Of course, no one sits to pray for evil but life sometimes moves in directions we never expect. Change is constant.

CHARACTER and ATTITUDE should take priority over any physical attribute. There are so many other things that one should consider before tying the knot. Today my friend and his young marriage is suffering because he misplaced his priorities and settled for a woman’s physical beauty. I strongly suspect that his wife is probably adding more weight because she is depressed by his behavior and sudden lack of support. You cannot blame her really. Coping with a one year old, work pressure and living with a man who resents you cannot be an easy situation to live with. It must be a terrible feeling to suddenly find out that a man you thought really loved you only loved you for what you had, that he resents you now for not being able to maintain that which he loves you for. I cannot imagine living with such pressure!

How does one undo such a mistake? His options are limited if you ask me. I gave him the following advice:

• ·        Seek good counselling.
• ·         Look out for her other qualities and learn to love her for them. Everyone has a good attribute if you look hard enough.
• ·         Communication is key. Talk to her about the things you do not like and work together to correct them.
• ·         Emotional , spiritual and physical support are very important if he intends to mend his marriage
• ·         Divorce her. Join millions of other separated couples around the world and subject your poor innocent son to growing up without the gift of a happy home.

Mind you, none of these options (1-4) are easy. It will only take an open mind and willing heart to try them out. Option 5 is the easy way out if the parties do not want to bother themselves with repairing their broken walls but the long term effects won’t be easy on both especially their son.

If you are currently in a relationship, do this little exercise - write out the things you love about your partner. If most are centered on the physical, you need to check your heart again. Ask yourself how long that physical trait can be maintained and what will happen to your heart if ever it is no more. Will your love still remain?

A house built on a FAULTY FOUNDATION will never stand the test of time!

N.B- My friend will appreciate advice from the reader in addition to the ones the writer has given him. kindly write your comments below. 

Thank you! 

THE HAND LUGGAGE

I am at the Nnamdi Azikiwe international airport feeling very hot and my pores clogged with so much sweat. With the way the very high ceiling fan blades were lazily chasing each other, it was either a case of low voltage or someone didn’t think passengers needed the cool air. Of course I went with the former option, knowing my country well. Who approved for the ceiling fans to be placed so high in the first place? And why in God’s name isn’t there air conditioning in an “International Airport”, one in the capital of a country for that matter? I sighed and continued to struggle with my “hand luggage” as we queued up to have our passports checked.  Well, I am a typical Nigerian who tries to fit in 23kg if possible in a tiny hand luggage box, carry a huge sleep over bag as “handbag” and still bring a laptop bag along. The international airport officials in other countries have given up on us.

This is could be me .... ok not this bad LOL!
SOURCE- www.livehappy.com

It was obvious I was struggling with my luggage and this fine gentleman walks up beside me to help. Gladly I oblige him. He waits for me to get through immigration and after a brief chat we exchange numbers. Why not? This dude is hot plus no ring on the left hand (first thing I always check) so I am safe right?

Two months later, after I have given up on him, hot dude finally calls. He’s been “in and out of the country for some meeting…working on some project for an international airline….bla bla bla”  Ah! Correct guy. I suppose he was worth the wait.  Sorry, but some of us sisters won’t mind if the brother comes “made”….Okay… half made will do. We all want the fine things and it is not every day a girl wants to hear mother’s IT-IS-BEST-TO-BUILD-THE-WEALTH-WITH-YOUR-MAN/HUSBAND-SERMON.

“Can we have a drink sometime?” nawah o, is he asking?

“Well, it depends on when to be sure it fits into my schedule” My reply is casual. A girl cannot sound too eager or excited abi?

“Say Tuesday next week, 3pm?”

“Let me see….” I pause as though I am really checking my ‘schedule’    “How about Wednesday 5:45pm?”

“That’s perfect actually. Will be at the Hilton lounge at 5:30pm, see u there”

Hilton….it even gets better!

WEDNESDAY 5:45PM….

We did a bit of chit chat about everything and nothing but I make him talk more about himself. He’s so much fun to talk to really.  Within the first 35 minutes I make two discoveries:

He is married. Very married.

He has 4 kids with his wife and they all live with him here in Abuja.

AN HOUR LATER…

“I am afraid I have to run” I mean that literally

“So soon? I thought you were enjoying my company?”

“Oh, I do not enjoy the company of married men. Especially those who do not wear their wedding bands.” I smile nicely at him.

“Errr…its not like that you know…I was thinking…” Aha! I caught him off guard. I guess I was too blunt. But mehn, who was I fooling? I am honestly tired of being nice in the face of deception.

“Thank you for the drink and please would you mind not calling my number again?” I am standing already with my arm stretched for a handshake and a plastic smile plastered on my face mostly for the benefit of those around and to save him the embarrassment.

As I drove home, all I did was wonder why most married men find it difficult to wear their wedding bands. Or was a Nigerian thing too?  I made a mental note to never carry a lot as hand luggage again. 

The NOT-SO-MADE-BROTHERS were probably best after all. 

BEFORE 30...

SOURCE: medym.weebly.com

Not sure if a lot of people are aware of the new series on Ebony Life TV called ‘BEFORE 30’.  It is quite interesting and entertaining. In summary, it mirrors the pressure society and family puts on  ladies to tie the knot before they hit the BIG 30. People, the pressure is REAL! I remember a scene where Temi’s father asked her (a 28year old successful lawyer, played by Damilola Adegbite-Atoh) if she wanted to end up like Oprah Winfery. The look on her face was epic! Here some of us are thinking of Oprah as an achiever and icon meanwhile some people regard her a ‘failure' because she hasn't traded her maiden name for a man’s. I wonder what our feminist Chimamanda Adichie will have to say about this. LOL.

I can totally relate to the story line so far because at the moment,  in fact since I was a day past 25 years old, I have literally felt people breathing down my neck. It seems as though friends, family and even enemies have a marriage related question or statement to ask/make. Even when the matter at hand is not marriage related, they all find a way to corner it there!

“Ah! My dear congrats on your graduation o! it is now remaining our asoebi o” ----An amebo  family friend

“Sweetie what’s up? Anyone yet? How far with that other Yoruba guy?” ---- A frenemy pretending to sympathise with you but making sure your train isn’t moving faster than hers.

“Kai! Nawah for men o. God will bring a good man your way u hear?” ----- A friend looking for gist

“Ehen! Am sure this one you have lost small weight they will start rushing you!” ----Some nosy aunty (what?! Seriously????)

“My dear, this material will be nice on your friends for asoebi. What do you think?” ----Mum

“Hmmmmn, you need to see the lovely coral beads I saw today. I have to go back and buy them for your wedding” ------Mum (Hello mother! There’s no man yet! Ok, she must be speaking by faith)

“There’s this boy from our place I need you to meet”-----Uncle (Oh please, not me! The hook up you did for our cousin was a disaster LOL)

Initially I used to laugh over these kinds of talks then I graduated to being angry. But after I realised that I was only punishing myself unnecessarily I adopted a different method – smiling outwardly and feeling indifferent inwardly. And it worked!

Like SERIOUSLY? oh please! SMH

Why does the (Nigerian) society derive joy from making a single 28 or 29 year old lady miserable and inadequate? Ok I know it has to do with our culture but things have changed in that department. Why can’t our mentality towards marriage change like technology is moving, making everything smart these days eh? Nearly every day on Instagram I read people’s comments on some single mature celebrity’s picture asking when they will get married. How rude! Myopic people who won’t mind their business! The world is changing guys. A woman’s achievement should no longer be tied to her marital status or measured by it.

Has it not occurred to these people that if most single ladies had their way they would be happily married? Has it occurred to these people that marriage isn’t for everyone? Actually some people have phobia for marriage or commitment in general (click here GAMOPHOBIA).  Some ladies (and men alike) have been through some terrible relationships that have scared them deeply that the mere thought of the opposite sex or a lifelong commitment to one puts them off. So how dare you go about “harassing and assaulting” people with your incessant questions and words simply because they are single?! There is more to life really.  

Those in Abuja say “’Abuja men’ are not serious. Most are married and all they want is a booty call when it suits them” Those in Lagos complain of same thing while those in Port Harcourt say the men do not like commitment. In fact a friend once said to me that the men consider most Port Harcourt ladies wild and unmarriageable.  Personally I can testify that the men who are willing and readily ‘available’ are the unavailable married men. They do not hide their status and have the nerve to openly ask a lady (with all her intelligence) to be his girl-friend. Why? Because he thinks he can offer much more than the single men are offering. Hmmn! So you see part of the problem? A woman won’t marry herself (in this part of the planet anyway) so understand that she is waiting patiently for the man same way you are waiting for her to share her asoebi and invitation card.

It will come. For every single lady, no matter the age, marriage will surely come if you really desire

Please where is this company? I am interested. LOL
SOURCE: livinginbelgrade.com

it. But like I always tell my friends, I am allowed to make mistakes in my choice of a man if I were between the ages of 20-24 years. Yes, I will be pardoned. But I cannot take a wrong turn or miss a step at this age. I haven’t waited this long to settle for less or live the rest of my life in a marriage I will endure. This I believe should be the watch word of any mature single lady.  Sweetie, if you are mature and still single, you are very normal and have not committed a crime or abomination. Keep telling yourself that you are waiting for the best because you deserve the very best.  Those around you will catch up someday. 

In the words of my grandma, God bless her soul, “you have a short while to be a girl and all your life to be a woman” I have modified this to “You have a short time to be single and all your life to be married”  Someone will now say I am busy consoling and deceiving myself. No I am not. What is the use worrying or killing myself over something I cannot change? That is why I have made it a point of duty to truly enjoy and savour the liberty and luxuries that comes with my singlehood; and to be happy in the short while I have. Oh yes there are luxuries!. If you have been in a shitty relationship before like me where you were taken for granted and made to eat CRAP just for the sake of being in a relationship, you will understand what I mean. These truths are bitter but someone has to say them right?

Finally, in the meantime, while we are waiting, can y’all get off our backs?! LOL.

PERSONAL MEDITATION

SOURCE: imgkid.com

THEN GOD LOOKED OVER ALL HE HAD MADE (INCLUDING ME), AND HE SAW THAT IT WAS EXCELLENT IN EVERY WAY. -----Genesis 1 vs 31 (New Living Translation version, addition and emphasis mine)

For a few weeks now I have been mediating on the above scripture.   I have read it countless times before now but it was as if I suddenly understood the true meaning of what that verse meant - that I am excellent/perfect in every way in spite of my flaws. In fact, my flaws are not a surprise to my maker because he is well aware of them before he made me!

This revelation got me thinking for weeks.  Thinking of how much I beat myself up for failing God every time.  It was absolutely not necessary!  I realized that what is important is to see my flawed self the way God sees me -EXCELLENT- and to love myself with all my failings just like he does - UNCONDITIONALLY.

Of course this doesn't mean I am now at liberty to fall short of his righteousness. It means that even when I don't meet up to the kingdom's expectations, God's love and grace is still available. Most importantly HE doesn't see me anymore less than when he first created me. If God had a problem with the way we were, then it wouldn’t be true that we were made in His image and likeness (Gen 1:26) and we cannot be called gods. (Psalm 82:6, John 10:34) But Jesus himself did! Because He knows us more than we know ourselves.

Just last week, my eyes and mind opened to another beautiful verse:

WHEN YOU HAVE CHRIST, YOU ARE COMPLETE….-----Colossians 2 vs 10 (New Life Version)

What?! The word COMPLETE in this verse crowns it all. So in addition to being excellent, I am also complete in Him!  This got me super excited because it means so many things to me. I now understood all over again that I do not need anything/anyone to feel complete. Marriage, material wealth, boyfriend, husband, a fantastic job, children, money, power etc is not what makes a person WHOLE.  Yes all those are important but they do not bring fulfilment. Wholeness can only be found or given by God alone.

So why have I (we) been fretting, running from pillar to post for the things I want, the job I want, meeting the man of my dreams, building the family I crave for, having great friends etc all in the bid to feel complete?

This is the situation most of us Christians find ourselves in. We keep seeking mundane things to fill our void without realizing that our COMPLETION is already given and guaranteed in Christ. In other words, that void in our life has been taken care of. There is no need to look elsewhere.  Absolutely no need.

I am still mediating on these scriptures and each day something new jumps out of them to me. It is all refreshing and amazing seeing myself from a whole new beautiful perspective. I feel as though I am this wonderful painting on God’s own canvass worth an unmentionable amount.

 In the meantime, I have come to the conclusion that we are a bunch of people (Christians) living with so much power that we are ignorant of. I pray that God through the Holy Spirit, will open our eyes of understanding. Amen.

Have a Fab week! xxx

MARRIED WOMEN STAY OFF SINGLE FRIENDS!

“OMG! Bayo proposed!”

“It’s a lie!”

“Awwww!”

“Uuhhh!”

“Cute!”

“Lovely ring!”

“We should start planning and shopping!”

“There must be a bridal shower!”

SOURCE: nubride.com

And on and on it goes when one of your girlfriends gets hooked. Plans are made, asoebis are bought, the bridal shower is planned and everyone works hard to make the bride happy. Fast forward to one year after the wedding and the newly married now realises that she has nothing In common with her single friends, does not have time to hang out with them. After all, what is there to discuss with them? What do they know about marriage and how difficult it can be to manage a home? She cannot afford to have her husband snatched too! She has a new set of marriage problems which her single friends’ minds cannot comprehend.

Hey, before you prepare to bite my head off I will tell you that I have married friends who are cool. Very cool actually and I have an excellent relationship with them. I am not talking of those types. I am talking of those who ditch both singlehood and their single friends. If truth be told, a lot of ladies get married and part ways with their single friends be it consciously or unconsciously causing estrangement, strife and rivalry. I have personally seen best friends grow apart as soon as one of them gets married.

A few years ago I was at a friend’s bridal shower where another of our married friend openly advised the bride-to-be to “learn to surround yourself with married friends now o and do not let in distractions. You won’t need that in your marriage….”. In other words,  “BEWARE OF ANY SINGLE FRIEND! THEY ARE DISTRACTIONS!”  I remember clearly the uncomfortable laughter from those present (90% of us there were single for crying out loud!) and how I cringed at that statement thinking “Hey, it’s not like single ladies go around looking for marriages to crash!” It cannot be that bad. LOL. However, it seemed our dear friend took that advice hook line and sinker and went MIA for a long time. At first I assumed she was still trying to adjust to a new home and routine. When weeks turned to long months accompanied with constant “sorry I am busy…” stories to our suggestions to have an all-girl-day-out, I had to finally admit to myself that we (her single friends) were no longer in her clique. She was probably busy making new married friends like she was advised to do. 

The question here is SHOULD A MARRIED WOMAN STILL MAINTAIN CLOSE FRIENDSHIP WITH HER SINGLE FRIENDS OR LEAVE THEM IN HER PAST once she says “I-DO” ?

Some married ladies who are guilty of this behaviour might give the following reasons:

• ·         They are trying to protect their husband and marriage by keeping their single friends away;
• ·         Their interests are no longer mutual;
• ·         They are busy, not easy caring for a husband, kids and chores too;
• ·         Their husbands might not approve of these friends. etc (add yours here)

Well, while they might be valid points I strongly believe that it should be an individual thing not something that should be done simply because it is the norm. Variety should be the key. No one should be “dropped” simply because she is still single. You should know your friends. Not every single friend is jealous of you or has plans to snatch your husband from you. How come they were not jealous when they helped plan your wedding, bought asoebi or bridesmaids’ wear or helped serve your guests at your wedding?

I must emphasise at this point again that what works for Mrs A might not work for Mrs B.  Therefore, it is very important to understand the kind of husband and friends you have. If you feel your husband might be tempted to go after a certain friend, then by all means protect your marriage by keeping that friend from within eye-range of your man but keep her in your life! My dear it is called balancing and maturity.  Do not assume or make every single friend in your life a monster. I still insist it is never that serious!

I will also be fair in saying that the married ones are not the only ones guilty here. A lot of single ladies distance or isolate themselves once their friends get hitched. This doesn’t make sense especially if that married friend is the type open to maintaining the friendship. Besides, there is always a lot to learn from people’s marital experiences. (If they share them)

Any true good friend should continue to be part of your life whether married or single. So what if that single friend never marries? You ditch her forever?   What if you divorce tomorrow and become single again? Little prejudice if you ask me. 

Your single friend can still be a good friend, listen to your marriage problems, the interesting happenings and still offer a good advice where necessary. I do not believe that I need a rock on my finger to be able to listen objectively and give a reasonable opinion to my married friends when it is called for.  

WHILE WE WERE ALL POLITICKING….

If I say I am glad the elections are over, I will be lying. I am actually more than SUPER GLAD it has all come and gone. In the past few weeks we have done nothing but talk about nothing else but the elections. I had no inspiration whatsoever to write. It felt as though as my brain was on pause like most work places were because of the elections. By the way, most of these offices say they are now waiting for May 29^th before job applications and contracts can be attended to. Don’t we always love to find a good reason for our ineptitude?

We cannot deny that this is by far the most interesting election we have had as a nation filled with everything you can find in an A-rated Hollywood movie: suspense, action, intrigues, thrilling, hilarious etc. Beginning with the much anticipated presidential elections which brought about mind-bulging arguments and analysis of the prominent actors, their parties and their loyalists/followers; to the wonderful comedy performed by Orubebe; to Jega’s display of extreme calmness (kai, that man must be from Pluto!) ;to GEJ’s heroic CALL; to the outrageous comment made by the monarch (which some people think should be swept under the carpet all in the name of moving on) which sparked a lot of wires, raised eyebrows, opened old wounds and brought the Lagos drama to light; to Adichie’s “controversial” piece(story for another day!); to the history the only female governorship aspirant nearly made (we are still waiting for it to happen) and all the other governorship election dramas. Oh! And not forgetting the man who promised to WALK from Lagos to Abuja in honour of GMB’s win and is almost done! He was last sighted in Niger State (CLICK HERE)

Of course we cannot ignore the mass migration of politicians to the new “powerful” party sweeping across the nation all because the new opposition party  had previously provided us with vacuum cleaners but with no electricity to power it (in the words of my friend. Lol). This however, confirms to me that Nigerian “political parties” are not political parties in the true sense of the word. They are not at all based on any ideologies like we see in western politics (e.g Republicans and Democrats in the United States) else these irresponsible cross-carpeting will not be happening. Who then will be left to keep the serving party in check?  By and large it has been an eventful month indeed!

Sadly, we have all watched as friends became fast enemies just because they didn’t agree on a candidate, tribes attacking tribes etc But then again, I must admit that the elections had a lot of pros the biggest of which was AWARENESS. Recently, the social media has played a major role in creating a platform of information for everything under the sun. This was no different. For the first time in our history, everyone who had a smart and not-so-smart phone was aware and participated in the election arguments/debates. Even those who were not so politically inclined (like me) were forced to participate and learn a little about our politics. If you were not commenting/arguing about each unfolding event, you could not escape reading about them.

In the midst all these happenings, I (we) nearly missed two important events that happened.

• TWO 17 YEAR OLD NIGERIANS GOT ADMITTED INTO ALL 8 IVY LEAGUE
  
  SCHOOLS!  Yes, Harold Ekeh  and Victor Agbafe both Nigerian born  but resident in the

  

  HAROLD EKEH

  United States, applied to 13 and 14 universities including the 8 ivy league schools respectively and got accepted into all. This is an amazing feat by all standards! Strinkingly, both want to

  

  VICTOR AGBAFE

  become neurosurgeons. Nigerians repping! ( SEE STORY HERE and HERE)

• SUPER FALCONS QUALIFY FOR THE ALL AFRICAN GAMES. This for me is a case

  

  HAPPY FALCONS

  of “what a man can do, a woman can do” but MUCH BETTER! Well since our Super Eagles have refused to fly, our falcons have not relented in making us proud so they should be celebrated! These super ladies scored 8 un-replied goals during their second leg All-African Games final qualifying match against Mali at the National stadium in Abuja last Friday. It should be remembered that they had earlier secured a ticket to Canada for the FIFA World Cup after their comfortable victories against Namibia, Zambia and Côte d'Ivoire, South Africa and Cameroon. Good job!

Ok, now the elections are over and it is time to work together to become the CHANGE we expect to see in our country. It will not fall on our laps like some deluded people think (Gosh! You need to hear some people talk about this). I sincerely hope that in all this we have learnt to become more accommodating, tolerating and peaceful.

GOD BLESS THE FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA!

THE PROFESSIONAL SIDE CHIC

How can a guy who obviously has a girlfriend who he constantly displays on every available social media platform claim to love and want me?

Yes I am really upset today o. I am upset because I get this sort of drama not from one or two men. A lot of men seem to think that because a lady is single, as in no-boyfriend-kind-of single, she can be told crap! Hellooo?? No one is a child here you know. At first I considered it funny but I don’t it that way anymore.

 Married men are not exempted, in fact, they are the worst culprits. Please don’t give me the “you know they are just being men” bullshit because I already threw that out the window. I knew some of these men before they got married and all of a sudden, after making their choice, they find me interesting. As what? A side lay? Oh please!

I feel it is an insult to my entire being and my intelligence. You don’t flaunt your girlfriend or wife in my face and still have the nerve to talk to me about “wishing you were here with me”. It is simply cock and bull nonsense!

To be honest I cannot decide which is more annoying and insulting of these two scenarios below:

The ex-boyfriend who was against my losing weight because “I like you this way and cannot imagine me being with anyone slimmer…” but currently engaged to a lady who is skinny personified. He still invites me to visit him and never fails to use every opportunity to tell me he wants to be with me. OR the married one (who I knew long before he got married) who keeps telling me that “you are the best thing that ever happened to me” and wants us to work out how we can be together. Err… when you are still with your wife or in another life? Seriously guys, who do y’all think you are fooling?

Speaking with some ladies over time, I discovered that I am not the only one in this situation. A woman is generally moved by what she hears and a weak woman doesn’t need to hear much before she is carried away and falls for such men.

I have spent time reading books including the bible, listening to so many talks and I know I want better for myself. I definitely wasn’t born to be a professional side chic to any irresponsible man. I now realise that I am worth more than the price tag I have placed on myself. So I made up my mind to work. I lost some weight (I am still on that journey and will write about my progress and challenges sometime), began to see myself with a fresh pair of eyes, love myself, built my confidence level and now I am reassured that I am too good for certain things and certain people. Out with the garbage!

I am still a work in progress but I can confidently tell any lady that it doesn’t pay to give yourself out cheap to any man especially those of them that think you are always available to be toyed with all in the name of love.  Such men I realise can never give you what you want. You only end up with a damaged confidence, a broken heart and a bitter spirit.

Love doesn’t hurt. Love doesn’t make you feel dirty, small or cheap. Love doesn’t make you feel cheated. Love doesn’t make you feel inadequate. Love doesn’t make you feel like a second-class citizen or an option in another person’s life. NO. Any sort of emotion that makes you feel any of these is not love. Rise above that. Take a stand and place a huge price tag on your person and you will gain more respect.

Some of us constantly put down ourselves for men to trample on just because the society has declared that “age is not on your side” please stop. Honey, the man that will love and respect your regardless of your age will come.  But how will he find you if are too busy with the kind of man you shouldn’t be with?  This was the question I asked myself and I came to the conclusion that it is best for my man to find me with my head held up high than on the floor feeling insecure and miserable while nursing a heart ache I could have avoided.

I am at the stage where I am discovering and loving myself and it is an awesome experience! This is the most important aspect that will help you raise your self-worth. To help you love yourself two things are necessary:

·         Begin to see yourself through the eyes of God. He is love and only from him can we learn the art of loving because every of our being was crafted in His love. When you understand the plans of God for you, it will help you form a better impression of who you really are.

·         Learn to keep the exes where they out to be, ------------------>over there!  I figured that one major mistake I made and which other ladies have concurred with as well, is trying to keep a friendly/cordial relationship with these men.  But with time I have understood that it is not necessary especially if you cannot handle it.  Come to think of it, why should you be friendly with anyone who presence in your life doesn’t add any value to you? By being friendly, you are simply watering that relationship and leaving a window open for a repetition of the same situation you are avoiding.  Therefore, if cutting off such people completely will help your sanity, do it.

Always remember, in this journey what is most important is YOU, YOU AND YOU. Your happiness and well-being of your mind should be paramount.  You are beautiful, amazing and too good to be “used” by just any man! 

SOCIAL MEDIA AND OUR RELATIONSHIPS!

No one in this age can underestimate the power of social media any longer. It has come to stay. These days it has become a tool to boost businesses or destroy anything/anyone. I am more interested in its effect on relationships because it seems nearly every relationship is on display on every social media platform available –the good sweet moments, the gifts, and the romance. They keep saying love (or is it marriage?) is not a bed of roses but no one remembers to post the horrible and not-so-great-moments for us to see as well. This could be termed the “social media perfect” relationships. 

The married ones ain’t helping too. They keep sharing the “sweet side” enough to make some of us wish we were married. Nearly everyone’s pm/dp reads “My husband is the best…” OR “If I were to choose again, I will choose u over and over…” OR “Share this if u have the best husband in the world…” So who are the ones being abused and traumatised by their spouses? where are the ladies who say that "...marriage is a different ball game from dating" oh wait, they are not on social media??!  Well, after speaking with a couple of close married friends about marriage, I have concluded that the whole social media thing has been overdone and doesn’t hold so much weight anymore. Hey, this is only my opinion!

SOURCE: shavarross.com

Recently I was telling my friend Sue that I was thinking of shutting down from every social media platform for a while to let me catch my breath from the buzz. No, I am not jealous of anyone but whether we like to admit it or not, those of us who are single or do not have the media perfect relationships are constantly mentally and psychologically assaulted by those who are! It has become a per minute affair.  At this point I need to add a DISCLAIMER that I am NOT against people displaying their partners, lovers or love life on social media. I say this because some people might consider this topic sensitive and see it from a particular angle without thinking of the writer’s point of view.

I stumbled on an argument regarding this on Instagram a few days ago and I was amused to find out that most of the ladies  felt that putting your partner on display will help curb his cheating.  Am sorry but I consider this reason dumb because a man or even a lady who wants to cheat will gladly put you on display and make you his/her profile picture just to you make you feel safe and think that he/she is fully committed to that relationship. If you need the social media to keep your partner in check, something is definitely not right! A person who is going to cheat will cheat so posting online about you isn’t an assurance that it won’t happen! So if that is your reason for adopting the social media strategy, bleeh! You have failed this one. Simply put, People show off their partners for different reasons, yours might be showing you off for the WRONG reason!

So when next you are scrolling through your timeline and soaking in people’s updates about their I-have-it-all-together-and-I-am-super-happy life, do the following:

• ·         NEVER EVER ASSUME: Do u know how many times I have seen a cute couple who complement each other, who seem so happy, together and in-love break up? Naturally everyone would think “OMG! They looked so happy/good/cute together!”  Oh well, I guess we all assume everyone who show us their pretty moments are truly happy. Sorry to disappoint you hunny, the bad that happens behind the camera is never revealed.  You do not know what is going on so do not make assumptions based on pictures!  Bear in mind that some people share these posts for the wrong reasons –to show off and to deceive gullible people.   

• ·         NEVER COMPARE OR COPY ANYONE: Comparison is the thief of joy. Ever heard that? Social media has made everyone’s life almost an open book so it is easy for you to see through other people’s life and compare their “progress”. This has also made it easy for jealousy to breed. Avoid this because you will only end up trying to copy and re-create another person’s life- a perfect picture meant to attract likes, followers and comments on Instagram, facebook, BBM, etc - which is not entirely true. 

Remember that everyone is on an individual journey. No one’s story is the same. So take time to create and live yours as truthfully as your can. Again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with sharing your happy life with us on social media. Please do so by all means if it makes you happier, if you can handle the invasion of privacy that comes with it (of course it puts virtually the world into your business) and if you are strong enough to protect your relationship/family from the intrusion. If not, KEEP OFF!  

****This topic is one which can be exhausted in a short piece like this one but I decided to give it a go. Majority might disagree with my opinion but its fine because if you all were to agree with me then I have monopoly of knowledge which of course is not true. I hope to start a discourse on this to hear what you think. So please drop your comments below! 

Ella...xxx