WOMEN, LOVE AND AFRICA

Recently I witnessed a situation that got me both upset and angry at the same time. Here’s a summary of what happened:

A young friend of mine has been married for about four years now to her husband and they both have 2 beautiful kids.  She had complained severally that her husband seemed to be cheating on her. He was in the habit of staying out late, leaving the room to pick his calls and going for sudden unplanned “conferences” etc. The signs were obviously there. The few times she mustered courage to confront him, he would knock her around her and not speak to her or touch her for days and sometimes weeks. Everyone told her to endure….

Eventually, she got information that her husband not only spends time with a particular lady in the same town, but also rented the apartment where they both stay. She went fishing and found them in the said apartment. There was exchange of words between the three of them and somehow a fight ensued between both women. Her husband later left with the lady. On the night of same day, he beat her up black and blue then sent her out of their home with nothing except the clothes she had on. She put up with a friend that night. The next day, her husband asked her to come and pack her things and leave with the kids. This she did unwillingly.

Family eventually stepped in and she was advised to apologize to him so she could take her back. she did and after series of pleading by all who cared to talk to him, he reluctantly asked her to come home but on his terms- he took away her car keys and phone from her, he won’t give her money anymore (she’s a house wife) and their first daughter who is two and half years old will no longer attend the play school but will be home schooled by the wife.

As I write, it’s been about two months now and her husband doesn’t speak to her or eat her meals. All this while all she has been told is to endure and pray….

SOURCE: www.360nobs.com

Believe me, a lot more than this happened which I cannot bore you with. However, during the few meetings held to settle this case, I kept asking why the man, whose actions directly and indirectly is the cause of the whole drama in the first place, will not be called to order. I was of the opinion that his constant cheating habit needs to be addressed because he has apparently forgotten what marriage means or how sacred the vows he took before God to love and cherish his wife are.  This was the response I got from the mothers present:
 “This is Africa o and it is the man who is marrying you not the other way round.  These things happen and cannot be avoided. A woman should only pray to have to have kids and so long the man keeps providing for her and the kids , she should just ignore his excesses. She has to learn to make herself happy”
One of the women even went as far as saying that “African men are incapable of loving a woman truly. All that one happens with oyibo people” 

I was visibly angry and gave them a piece of my mind and of course I was tagged as being young and blinded by “women emancipation and human rights thinking”.  This wasn’t the first time I had heard such lie but coming from people I saw as well educated made me cringe. Apparently they were talking for their personal experiences unfortunately.

Well, contrary to popular beliefs, I do not agree that men are polygamous in nature, men are dogs or that all men must cheat. NO! IT IS A BIG LIE!  This has nothing to do with women emancipation, being a feminist or believing in human rights. I think people conjure up such crap to suit themselves and make excuses for their bad actions/habits. My stand is that CHEATING like everything else in life is a CHOICE and is not restricted to any particular race or gender.  Both can. The same SELF-CONTROL is available to both the male and female alike. You have a choice to either take that girl you met at a bar to a hotel room or not. You have a choice to either take your clothes off for another man or not as a woman. At that decision making point, you have a choice to either listen to the quiet voice in your head telling you to stop right there or regret your actions later; or simply throw caution to the wind and damn the consequences.

The reason why a lot of men in our society seem to think “it is our right to cheat” exclusively and even brag about it audaciously is because of the society has deceived them into believing that they are incapable of living a normal life with one woman.  They grow up seeing this happen around them and even in their homes. Sadly too, women, especially African women, have been brain washed to believe these lies and continue to pass them on to their female children generation after generation. This is why our mothers endure a lot of crap from men in silence and hang on desperately to a man who shamelessly cannot keep his eyes/hands off every other woman he sees. Growing up to witness this continuous cycle, we are now forced to think this is how life should be.

 Just like in the life scenario above, all everyone seems to be concerned with is the “poor attitude” of the young woman towards her husband and how she handled the discovery of his mistress. Agreed, she didn’t handle that particular issue with wisdom because I would never advise a woman to fight her husband in public.  Besides the fact that he is still your husband (your head),  It is absolutely wrong and doesn’t speak well of your ability to control your emotions.  But then again, we cannot overlook the fact that it was a display of pent up frustration which people handle differently. Her ill-informed actions however, does not preclude the man from being cautioned and made to see that he is very wrong. He broke his VOWS for crying out loud and there we were concerned more about massaging his African ego when he should be the one crawling and begging to be taken back. Oh please! What happened to “Husbands love your wife as Christ loved the church?” (Ephesians 5:25) Question is HOW DID CHRIST LOVE THE CHURCH? 

I have met a number of single men and married men alike who do not cheat. Yes there are such men. Do not turn up your nose just yet. The fact you aren’t staying faithful doesn’t mean that someone else isn’t. Look around you, not everyone trivializes sex, relationships, faithfulness and marriage. There is nothing like “A man cannot be faithful” ,it’s all about STANDARDS and VALUES which has little to do with morality if you ask me.  You will rubbish whatever you do not value (including relationships, marriage and a wife) and a man without standards will be easily swayed to the tune of the ungodly bandwagon.  On the other hand your standards and values determine what you will fight for or refuse to settle for.

Dear African woman, do not settle, endure or manage a cheating man just because you have been told that “All men are the same” You are too precious to be treated as a piece of rag that cannot have a say.  For the sake of clarity, I will never advice a married woman to leave her home if her husband cheats on her but then I will never advise her to endure and suffer in silence.  Apply wisdom and SPEAK UP because you deserve to be treated better and should be heard. You have to consciously believe that:

• Relationship/marriage is NOT meant to be endured but enjoyed. Therefore, you have a right to talk about the issues that make you unhappy in it and vice versa.
• Oh yes, African men are capable of loving their women. Love is not restricted to men of other races.
• Men are NOT polygamous in nature and can stick to loving that woman they choose to be with.
• No man is a dog. God forbid.  To say that is to make nonsense the creation work of God himself. If man was created in the “image and likeness of God” how dare we lower his creation to dogs far beneath our status?
• All men DO NOT cheat. Trust me I know so.  Besides the fact that there is no genetic or scientific proof of this, there are men around us who have proven that it is possible not to sleep around.
• Men are NOT more likely to cheat than women.  Same reason I gave above.  Both gender have the ability to cultivate self-control.
• Cheating is a choice.

To everyone, both male and female, who grew up hearing the lie that it is okay to cheat, who saw that lie lived before their eyes, who read M&B or Hints magazine documenting lives of cheaters as "cool", I tell you FAITHFULNESS is possible, attainable and achievable! AS A MAN THINKETH IN HIS HEART SO IS HE!

Love, Always

ELLA