MARRIED WOMEN STAY OFF SINGLE FRIENDS!

“OMG! Bayo proposed!”

“It’s a lie!”

“Awwww!”

“Uuhhh!”

“Cute!”

“Lovely ring!”

“We should start planning and shopping!”

“There must be a bridal shower!”

SOURCE: nubride.com

And on and on it goes when one of your girlfriends gets hooked. Plans are made, asoebis are bought, the bridal shower is planned and everyone works hard to make the bride happy. Fast forward to one year after the wedding and the newly married now realises that she has nothing In common with her single friends, does not have time to hang out with them. After all, what is there to discuss with them? What do they know about marriage and how difficult it can be to manage a home? She cannot afford to have her husband snatched too! She has a new set of marriage problems which her single friends’ minds cannot comprehend.

Hey, before you prepare to bite my head off I will tell you that I have married friends who are cool. Very cool actually and I have an excellent relationship with them. I am not talking of those types. I am talking of those who ditch both singlehood and their single friends. If truth be told, a lot of ladies get married and part ways with their single friends be it consciously or unconsciously causing estrangement, strife and rivalry. I have personally seen best friends grow apart as soon as one of them gets married.

A few years ago I was at a friend’s bridal shower where another of our married friend openly advised the bride-to-be to “learn to surround yourself with married friends now o and do not let in distractions. You won’t need that in your marriage….”. In other words,  “BEWARE OF ANY SINGLE FRIEND! THEY ARE DISTRACTIONS!”  I remember clearly the uncomfortable laughter from those present (90% of us there were single for crying out loud!) and how I cringed at that statement thinking “Hey, it’s not like single ladies go around looking for marriages to crash!” It cannot be that bad. LOL. However, it seemed our dear friend took that advice hook line and sinker and went MIA for a long time. At first I assumed she was still trying to adjust to a new home and routine. When weeks turned to long months accompanied with constant “sorry I am busy…” stories to our suggestions to have an all-girl-day-out, I had to finally admit to myself that we (her single friends) were no longer in her clique. She was probably busy making new married friends like she was advised to do. 

The question here is SHOULD A MARRIED WOMAN STILL MAINTAIN CLOSE FRIENDSHIP WITH HER SINGLE FRIENDS OR LEAVE THEM IN HER PAST once she says “I-DO” ?

Some married ladies who are guilty of this behaviour might give the following reasons:

• ·         They are trying to protect their husband and marriage by keeping their single friends away;
• ·         Their interests are no longer mutual;
• ·         They are busy, not easy caring for a husband, kids and chores too;
• ·         Their husbands might not approve of these friends. etc (add yours here)

Well, while they might be valid points I strongly believe that it should be an individual thing not something that should be done simply because it is the norm. Variety should be the key. No one should be “dropped” simply because she is still single. You should know your friends. Not every single friend is jealous of you or has plans to snatch your husband from you. How come they were not jealous when they helped plan your wedding, bought asoebi or bridesmaids’ wear or helped serve your guests at your wedding?

I must emphasise at this point again that what works for Mrs A might not work for Mrs B.  Therefore, it is very important to understand the kind of husband and friends you have. If you feel your husband might be tempted to go after a certain friend, then by all means protect your marriage by keeping that friend from within eye-range of your man but keep her in your life! My dear it is called balancing and maturity.  Do not assume or make every single friend in your life a monster. I still insist it is never that serious!

I will also be fair in saying that the married ones are not the only ones guilty here. A lot of single ladies distance or isolate themselves once their friends get hitched. This doesn’t make sense especially if that married friend is the type open to maintaining the friendship. Besides, there is always a lot to learn from people’s marital experiences. (If they share them)

Any true good friend should continue to be part of your life whether married or single. So what if that single friend never marries? You ditch her forever?   What if you divorce tomorrow and become single again? Little prejudice if you ask me. 

Your single friend can still be a good friend, listen to your marriage problems, the interesting happenings and still offer a good advice where necessary. I do not believe that I need a rock on my finger to be able to listen objectively and give a reasonable opinion to my married friends when it is called for.  

WHILE WE WERE ALL POLITICKING….

If I say I am glad the elections are over, I will be lying. I am actually more than SUPER GLAD it has all come and gone. In the past few weeks we have done nothing but talk about nothing else but the elections. I had no inspiration whatsoever to write. It felt as though as my brain was on pause like most work places were because of the elections. By the way, most of these offices say they are now waiting for May 29^th before job applications and contracts can be attended to. Don’t we always love to find a good reason for our ineptitude?

We cannot deny that this is by far the most interesting election we have had as a nation filled with everything you can find in an A-rated Hollywood movie: suspense, action, intrigues, thrilling, hilarious etc. Beginning with the much anticipated presidential elections which brought about mind-bulging arguments and analysis of the prominent actors, their parties and their loyalists/followers; to the wonderful comedy performed by Orubebe; to Jega’s display of extreme calmness (kai, that man must be from Pluto!) ;to GEJ’s heroic CALL; to the outrageous comment made by the monarch (which some people think should be swept under the carpet all in the name of moving on) which sparked a lot of wires, raised eyebrows, opened old wounds and brought the Lagos drama to light; to Adichie’s “controversial” piece(story for another day!); to the history the only female governorship aspirant nearly made (we are still waiting for it to happen) and all the other governorship election dramas. Oh! And not forgetting the man who promised to WALK from Lagos to Abuja in honour of GMB’s win and is almost done! He was last sighted in Niger State (CLICK HERE)

Of course we cannot ignore the mass migration of politicians to the new “powerful” party sweeping across the nation all because the new opposition party  had previously provided us with vacuum cleaners but with no electricity to power it (in the words of my friend. Lol). This however, confirms to me that Nigerian “political parties” are not political parties in the true sense of the word. They are not at all based on any ideologies like we see in western politics (e.g Republicans and Democrats in the United States) else these irresponsible cross-carpeting will not be happening. Who then will be left to keep the serving party in check?  By and large it has been an eventful month indeed!

Sadly, we have all watched as friends became fast enemies just because they didn’t agree on a candidate, tribes attacking tribes etc But then again, I must admit that the elections had a lot of pros the biggest of which was AWARENESS. Recently, the social media has played a major role in creating a platform of information for everything under the sun. This was no different. For the first time in our history, everyone who had a smart and not-so-smart phone was aware and participated in the election arguments/debates. Even those who were not so politically inclined (like me) were forced to participate and learn a little about our politics. If you were not commenting/arguing about each unfolding event, you could not escape reading about them.

In the midst all these happenings, I (we) nearly missed two important events that happened.

• TWO 17 YEAR OLD NIGERIANS GOT ADMITTED INTO ALL 8 IVY LEAGUE
  
  SCHOOLS!  Yes, Harold Ekeh  and Victor Agbafe both Nigerian born  but resident in the

  

  HAROLD EKEH

  United States, applied to 13 and 14 universities including the 8 ivy league schools respectively and got accepted into all. This is an amazing feat by all standards! Strinkingly, both want to

  

  VICTOR AGBAFE

  become neurosurgeons. Nigerians repping! ( SEE STORY HERE and HERE)

• SUPER FALCONS QUALIFY FOR THE ALL AFRICAN GAMES. This for me is a case

  

  HAPPY FALCONS

  of “what a man can do, a woman can do” but MUCH BETTER! Well since our Super Eagles have refused to fly, our falcons have not relented in making us proud so they should be celebrated! These super ladies scored 8 un-replied goals during their second leg All-African Games final qualifying match against Mali at the National stadium in Abuja last Friday. It should be remembered that they had earlier secured a ticket to Canada for the FIFA World Cup after their comfortable victories against Namibia, Zambia and Côte d'Ivoire, South Africa and Cameroon. Good job!

Ok, now the elections are over and it is time to work together to become the CHANGE we expect to see in our country. It will not fall on our laps like some deluded people think (Gosh! You need to hear some people talk about this). I sincerely hope that in all this we have learnt to become more accommodating, tolerating and peaceful.

GOD BLESS THE FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA!

THE PROFESSIONAL SIDE CHIC

How can a guy who obviously has a girlfriend who he constantly displays on every available social media platform claim to love and want me?

Yes I am really upset today o. I am upset because I get this sort of drama not from one or two men. A lot of men seem to think that because a lady is single, as in no-boyfriend-kind-of single, she can be told crap! Hellooo?? No one is a child here you know. At first I considered it funny but I don’t it that way anymore.

 Married men are not exempted, in fact, they are the worst culprits. Please don’t give me the “you know they are just being men” bullshit because I already threw that out the window. I knew some of these men before they got married and all of a sudden, after making their choice, they find me interesting. As what? A side lay? Oh please!

I feel it is an insult to my entire being and my intelligence. You don’t flaunt your girlfriend or wife in my face and still have the nerve to talk to me about “wishing you were here with me”. It is simply cock and bull nonsense!

To be honest I cannot decide which is more annoying and insulting of these two scenarios below:

The ex-boyfriend who was against my losing weight because “I like you this way and cannot imagine me being with anyone slimmer…” but currently engaged to a lady who is skinny personified. He still invites me to visit him and never fails to use every opportunity to tell me he wants to be with me. OR the married one (who I knew long before he got married) who keeps telling me that “you are the best thing that ever happened to me” and wants us to work out how we can be together. Err… when you are still with your wife or in another life? Seriously guys, who do y’all think you are fooling?

Speaking with some ladies over time, I discovered that I am not the only one in this situation. A woman is generally moved by what she hears and a weak woman doesn’t need to hear much before she is carried away and falls for such men.

I have spent time reading books including the bible, listening to so many talks and I know I want better for myself. I definitely wasn’t born to be a professional side chic to any irresponsible man. I now realise that I am worth more than the price tag I have placed on myself. So I made up my mind to work. I lost some weight (I am still on that journey and will write about my progress and challenges sometime), began to see myself with a fresh pair of eyes, love myself, built my confidence level and now I am reassured that I am too good for certain things and certain people. Out with the garbage!

I am still a work in progress but I can confidently tell any lady that it doesn’t pay to give yourself out cheap to any man especially those of them that think you are always available to be toyed with all in the name of love.  Such men I realise can never give you what you want. You only end up with a damaged confidence, a broken heart and a bitter spirit.

Love doesn’t hurt. Love doesn’t make you feel dirty, small or cheap. Love doesn’t make you feel cheated. Love doesn’t make you feel inadequate. Love doesn’t make you feel like a second-class citizen or an option in another person’s life. NO. Any sort of emotion that makes you feel any of these is not love. Rise above that. Take a stand and place a huge price tag on your person and you will gain more respect.

Some of us constantly put down ourselves for men to trample on just because the society has declared that “age is not on your side” please stop. Honey, the man that will love and respect your regardless of your age will come.  But how will he find you if are too busy with the kind of man you shouldn’t be with?  This was the question I asked myself and I came to the conclusion that it is best for my man to find me with my head held up high than on the floor feeling insecure and miserable while nursing a heart ache I could have avoided.

I am at the stage where I am discovering and loving myself and it is an awesome experience! This is the most important aspect that will help you raise your self-worth. To help you love yourself two things are necessary:

·         Begin to see yourself through the eyes of God. He is love and only from him can we learn the art of loving because every of our being was crafted in His love. When you understand the plans of God for you, it will help you form a better impression of who you really are.

·         Learn to keep the exes where they out to be, ------------------>over there!  I figured that one major mistake I made and which other ladies have concurred with as well, is trying to keep a friendly/cordial relationship with these men.  But with time I have understood that it is not necessary especially if you cannot handle it.  Come to think of it, why should you be friendly with anyone who presence in your life doesn’t add any value to you? By being friendly, you are simply watering that relationship and leaving a window open for a repetition of the same situation you are avoiding.  Therefore, if cutting off such people completely will help your sanity, do it.

Always remember, in this journey what is most important is YOU, YOU AND YOU. Your happiness and well-being of your mind should be paramount.  You are beautiful, amazing and too good to be “used” by just any man!