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| mage via - www.askheartbeat.com |
It must have been almost midnight when ‘boyfriend’
returned. According to him, he caught up with friends and they got carried away
according to him. So what about me? We hadn’t seen in two weeks and he knew I
was at his place waiting since 3pm. I thought the proper thing would have been
for him to come home first and maybe pick me up and we go hangout with his
friends? No? Oh well, who was I to point this out? I bottled up my feelings and
didn’t bother to ask. I was more annoyed about all the time I spent stressing
with cooking for him before he got home. The main questions I had on my mind about the
lady items I found earlier were still burning inside me but this wasn’t the
right time to ask yet. I was tired, he looked tired, we both have apparently
had a long day, so I figured the time wasn’t right. I could wait out the night.
Next day, I waited until after he had eaten the soup,
just to ensure he was in a relaxed happy mood before asking. I’m too nice,
right? I know. Lol.
“Are you cheating on me?” I asked right in the middle
of a joke he was telling.
“What?” I had never seen a person’s face do a 180
degrees switch that fast before.
“You heard me and I am serious” I tried to keep my
cool but I wanted to scream at him not to lie to me.
“you do not trust me? You have changed! Ever since you
went to that university you became something else, what a question!” the verbal
onslaught began, all of them falling along the ‘you-don’t-trust-me’ lines.
I felt small as he was literally screaming the house
down. He always made me feel small when he shouted at me. Maybe it had something
to do with the age gap between us but I was always scared each time he got into
his shouting fits. Trust me when I say ‘boyfriend’ was like a man out of control
when he got upset which is why I tried to avoid upsetting him as much as I
could. I was never a match for him so in most cases, even if he was wrong, I would
end up apologising to him for hours on end just for peace to reign.
Today, even though I had made up my mind to be strong,
I found myself scared again. I went on to show him the things I found but it
only infuriated him the more.
“So you go about now searching through my things?” He
shouted
“No, I….”
“Since you got into the university you have let those
girls you move with influence you’ He continued ‘Now they have taught to check
through my stuff? What will it be next? Tell me!”
We met shortly before I got into the university and
somehow he always felt that my going to the university changed me? I am not
sure what he meant by that but he never failed to say it each time we had a
disagreement and I had an opinion.
His favourite phrase was ‘Your eyes are up now abi?’ or ‘these
days you like to just talk anyhow’ he would say each time he referred to
the ‘new me’. Whatever that meant.
By now I had begun to cry. I think I was crying
because I wanted to say so much to him but I couldn’t find my voice. Fear. What
if I spoke back and he broke up with me? I was so scared of being alone. That
was part of the complex issues I suffered.
I will spare you the details of the rest of all he
said to me, after which he stormed out of the house and I cried some more. I
needed to help myself but I just could not. Why did he make me feel so small?
How did I get here? Why was I so helpless? He got back and I apologised for
what happened. Told him I was wrong for not trusting him bla bla bla. Yes, I
know I was being stupid but remember I was scared. If I leave him, who else
would love me? His emotional blackmail (a word I later came to understand many
years later) was strong and it got me each time. I always let him get me.
Two weeks later, I found more proof on his phone that
was cheating. It was loud and clear he was seeing someone else when I wasn’t
with him but I stayed on. Sucked it up and stayed.
Why didn’t I dump his cheating ass? Oh well, ‘all men cheat’ they say. Isn’t it true
that ‘It’s in their nature to cheat’?
So why would I leave him for something that came naturally to ‘all men’? Besides there was no guarantee
that the next man I would meet won’t do the same. I believed all that bullshit women,
starting from our mothers, fed their daughters and from where I stood then, it
didn’t seem like a good enough reason to leave him. So even though I was hurt
each time, I stayed on. My young fragile heart was broken many more times after
that and I bore all my pain in silence.
I couldn’t leave
I didn’t want to be alone.
I was scared of being alone.
***This piece is dedicated to every woman who has suffered or still suffers emotional/verbal abuse in their relationships. Find your voice. Save yourself
***This piece is dedicated to every woman who has suffered or still suffers emotional/verbal abuse in their relationships. Find your voice. Save yourself
