COHABITATION?......ERRR, NO PLEASE!

source-www.catholicchapterhouse.com

Simply put, cohabitation is a situation where two people (a man and a woman in this case) who are not married live together.  This of course means that they are sexually intimate and emotionally attached. These days, this arrangement seems so “cool” not only in the western world but with us non-Westerns too and has such become a global phenomenon that there is currently a Cohabitation Bill before the UK Parliament.  We seem to adopt everything they do over there without questioning them, don’t we? 

So imagine you (the lady) is living with a man –you cook, clean, wash his clothes, iron them, take care of things around the house including being there for him when he needs a shoulder and receiving the heat when he has a bad day; oh and let’s not forget servicing his little Johnny too! –why in God’s name will he want to make it official? Trust me, no man in this position wants to be tied down. Who needs the formality when he’s getting the cookie, cookie jar and the cookie maker for free?

Besides being wrong from a Christian point of view, a number of things happen when people cohabit:

• The first is being taken for granted.  I call it the “see finish” syndrome.  Suddenly he stops going out of his way to do things for you or the lady starts being disrespectful or condescending because he/she has seen all there is to you, your flaws and all. Like my Friend Sue said “Nothing bad pass make man see you finish!”  Keep your self-respect intact by avoiding cohabitation.

• You lose your space and independence. For the woman, a man’s house will rarely feel like

  

  source-www.marilynstowe.co.uk

  home because you cannot have your say in how it is furnished or how it is run else the man will start to think you are out to suffocate him. Helloooo??? You are not his wife! Besides, some men do not take well to change. According to Sherry Argov in her book titled WHY MEN MARRY BITCHES (I recommend this book to every lady –single or married –but read with CAUTION!) “When you bring two cats home together as kittens, they get along well. But if you bring a cat into another cat’s territory, the cat whose territory it is will dominate the other little cat from then on. This is why women feel off balance when they move to a man’s turf, it a territorial thing.”  You get what I mean?

• There is also the tendency of becoming secluded. This means that you automatically close all doors to any other better relationship. You are not married, so technically you should be keeping an open mind right? Oh well, cohabitation doesn’t support that school of thought. Every “potential” sees the UNAVAILABLE, KEEP OFF! Sign on your forehead.

• There’s a high possibility of making a baby which will tie you both to each other for life whether you both get married to each other or not. Are you prepared for such permanent ties? Note that children born to cohabiting parents are more likely to experience disruptions in their family life which ofcourse can lead to negative consequences for their emotional and educational development  

Yes, I am more concerned about ladies, not because the men do not matter, but because I believe ladies have more to lose when such relationships go wrong. Now a lot of ladies in this kind of relationship find it hard to get out because they have their emotions wound up making it unable to think objectively. They begin to think of all they have “invested” into the relationship and anyone who attempts to talk them out of it is seen as an enemy. This I believe is the same reason most women stay put in abusive relationships.

source- www.kiransawhney.com

Although the world seems to think otherwise, cohabitation is not an ALTERNATIVE to marriage. I have seen a lady live with a man and practically being a wife to him.  A baby and 4 years down the line, he still wasn’t ready to commit. What has she gained? This only confirms the study that has shown that cohabitations with children are more likely to break up than childless cohabitation according to research.

Some people I have spoken to about this topic argue that living with your partner helps you get to know him/her better. Personally, I don’t agree with this.  You can live with someone for 10 years and still not know the person. People can pretend for years especially if they want something from you. But if you are married, according to my friend Blessing, you let your guards down because “in your sub-conscious the guy/lady ain’t going nowhere” so every pretence goes out the window!

Some argue that it helps accountability in a relationship. I disagree too. Do not be deceived, cohabitation is not a guarantee for faithfulness. In fact, research shows that people in cohabiting relationships are more likely to be unfaithful to their partners than married people. Another research has shown that "the more often and longer men and women cohabit, the more likely they are to divorce later" (Click here for more information)

I could go on on about why people shouldn't cohabit but the un-healthiness of this arrangement are pretty obvious. We see them happen around us everyday. There are other ways to know your partner other than "playing house" with him/her. That is what communication is meant for. Spend time with your partner, talk, be open about everything but do not live with any man or woman who is not your spouse!

THE NEW WORLD OF LEARNING

I stumbled on this quote by the UN Secretary General, Ban Ki Moon after the attack on a school in Peshawar, Pakistan that claimed the lives of 132 innocent children. With over 200 girls kidnapped by Boko Haram in Nigeria and several violent attacks on schools worldwide, the past year has indeed been a bleak year for children around the globe This made me realise how much I took the life I had as a child for granted. As a child, I went to school without fear of any sort. All I was worried about were tests, exams, being punished for coming late to school or being asked to kneel in front of the class for making it into the list of noise makers.

Now the story is different. Children in nearly all countries have bigger fears. Going to school in this era has become an act of bravery. Oh no, I am not only speaking of countries like Pakistan or Nigeria that are constantly being attacked by Jihadists. I speak also of countries like the United States of America where a child can come to school with a gun and decide to shoot his/her fellow school mates. Seems like no place is safe anymore. Sending your child to school these days is now a huge sacrifice of some sort. A RISK . Each morning parents send off their child(ren) to school, they are not guaranteed they won’t be blown up, kidnapped or shot to death by some maniacs. Remember the students that were killed by a suicide bomber at the school assembly in Potiskum, Yobe State? Why? Simply because the children had the courage to go to school. Now you understand why I say it is a big risk!

Going to school used to be fun. For me, it was a place I could escape from my house chores, play with other kids and learn.  Now I wonder if these children understand what fun really is. In Countries like Nigeria, the condition for learning isn’t great. Most of these children in school have to deal with broken seats or no seats at all, a ‘white’ blackboard that has seen no charcoal in decades, using one exercise book for all subjects (oh no, don’t talk to me about those children who are lucky to attend private schools!). These children have not only been robbed of their right to a decent education, but they have to learn to live with the fear that schools are death traps which they have no other choice but to attend.

All children in school all through 2014, especially those in attack prone areas, should be applauded for being brave enough to go to school and learn. It is bravery indeed because the mere thought of a likely attack by Boko haram or Taliban for example, is enough to suffocate every learning cell in their brains.

This issue is depressing in so many ways:

•  I am sad for all the innocent children that had to die for no just cause in 2014 alone;
• I am sad that the children of now will never experience the fun and excitement that comes with learning;
•  I am sad that children of now will always associate school with death;
• I am sad that most of these children will be scarred psychologically for life;
•  I am sad that I will have to teach my children to learn to look over their shoulders when the time comes;
• I am sad that my children will not have the same beautiful childhood of living without fear that I had;
• I am sad that their safety, not from natural causes death, but from needless attacks like the Peshawar attack will constantly be a prayer point for me.

Finally I am afraid that this vicious circle of violence won’t end and schools will never be “secure learning spaces” like Ban Ki Moon expects it to be.

NEW YEAR, OLD YOU?

Happy New Year folks!!!!!

Am so excited we all made it to 2015! It is definitely something to be grateful for. 2014 had its share of problems, ups and downs. More downs for some of us than ups. Some of us cried, laughed, lost a loved one, got married, had a baby, got new jobs, lost relationships, made new ones, reached new goals, lost opportunities but hey! We are alive and in a brand new year! That should count for something you know. For me I see it as another opportunity to start all over on a clean slate or continue whatever good thing we began last year.

I won’t talk about the usual New Year resolutions (that’s what everyone does at this time of the year right?) simply because I have discovered that they do not work for me. For some reason I cannot fathom, I never stick to my new year resolutions! So 2 years ago I decided to scrap that, make decent choices and just live one day at a time as it comes.

However, it is very important that we start the New Year on a good foot.  You don’t want to make the same mistakes you made last year or else you will end with the same shitty results. I will highlight some of them below:

• One major thing you need to take care of is cleaning out every form of negativity around you. Negative people and negative energy/vibes. Hell no, you definitely don’t want that.  Negativity of any sort will only rust the wheels that drive you and slow you down.

•  Any person who does not share your enthusiasm or drive for success and constantly puts your dream down. Such a person can never be happy for you so what are you doing with him or her?

• Any person who seems to always be in a competition with you and everyone around him; anyone who drags you into an unhealthy competition with him or her, distracting you from your goals. You don't need it. The sky is wide enough for every bird.

• Any person who is always eager to talk about the mistakes of other people –BUSY BODY- He or she will surely discuss you with other people. Do you know how much of our lives we waste gossiping? You don’t want to know!

• Any “Ex” that needs to be kept where he or she belongs –THE
  
  PAST! Make sure that you shut the cooler firmly, then love and pray for him/her from afar. You will simply be guarding your heart and the Lord will understand.

This year, I have resolved to reassess my relationship with everyone around me. I may have entertained them last year but I definitely won’t make time for any negative person anymore. Who has time for that? The following tips might help you in your journey:

ü  Dream BIG! Do not be afraid of dreaming, then set out to pursue it.

ü  Be careful who you share your dreams and plans with.  A known enemy won’t have access to your secrets, but a “friend” does. Be wise.

ü Spend more time with people who always positive and share similar ideas with you.

ü  Be eager and willing to learn all the time. No single human knows it all,

ü   Before you decide to give up, ensure you have given that project 120% effort.

ü  For your own good, do not dwell on a mistake for too long. Hey! You are human, so mistakes are allowed.

ü  Stay on your lane! Don’t bother yourself with how fast or slow the next person is going. We will all get there, eventually.

ü  Encourage yourself, no one will do it better than you.

ü  Try to see good in every situation

ü  Trust and love God. He is ever faithful

I have huge dreams for this year that even scares me the dreamer sometimes but I believe in POSSIBILITY only if I work towards it.  

You too can dream and work towards yours. No amount of prayer or prophecy will bring your dreams into reality if you do not get off your butt and work! It is not by shouting the loudest “amen” to every “God will give you a new car” or “I see you owing houses this year” pronounced by a pastor or even by fasting for 21days or 40days like they do in some churches at this time of the year. Honey, millions won’t fall into your account from heaven. The “Heaven On Earth” or “Open Heavens” sticker on your car or door won’t help you. Get up and let God work his miracle through your hands.  May we become wiser and gain more understanding this year. Amen.

Here’s wishing everyone reading this a blessed year ahead and may we all have reasons to laugh continually. Make every minute in the 360 days left in this year count.

God bless and keep us all!

Love always,

Ella….xxx

N.B- You have ideas, tips and plans that will benefit someone else? Feel free to share with us in the comment box below. Thanks!