MY STORY...

Have you ever been so down? Have you ever being so disappointed by the people you look up to and love? Have you ever cried so hard till your nose is blocked ,your eyes swollen so much that one would think you took bot-ox injections? Have you ever had so much regrets ,realising that you wasted some part of your life? That your choices could have being different ? Have you been  shamefully reminded of all your faults and lack of  achievements by the people you trusted , that contributed to you being there? Have you continually been put down again and again and again by the people who you could have done almost anything for? Have you lived in the lowest level of low self esteem?.Have you lived more than half your life being nagged, criticised and told what you can and cannot be.?.....HAVE YOU THOUGHT OF SUICIDE?

YEP..! i said

When i first heard of Robin Williams death , i was in so much shock and pain , as a human i wondered how a seemingly successful man could live all his fame and wealth behind, as a religious person,it would have being easy to judge based on my beliefs,but as a teenager who was suicidal i could understand to a little level,  what comes into the mind of one who feels the need to live this heartless world and hopefully have some 'peace' at least that is  what we believe at that point in time.

Yes! i used to be suicidal , i have only told one person this, because i did not want people to think i was a Freak ,but with the increased number of  suicide actions all over the world and the growing trend of many Nigerians turning to it to avoid their problems, i feel i need to come in my own little way and say that it is not the answer...

Many people who know me now, will tell you i am opinionated, ambitious, strong, talented ,even some will say i am beautiful, but if you could just rewind to more than 12 years earlier, you probably be shocked , to see the kind of lady i was.  This is a blog not a book , so i will give a little description of the kind of girl i was.

 I came from a very poor background , no food , no money, my mum sold everything even up to her used nail polish just to send us to school, a mad man would tell you that my home was inhabitable cause of the bad environment, in school i was not the most attractive prospect of that kind of friend you should have, i was often neglected by so called 'family friends' who saw me as an embarrassment, i would  resort to white , grey, purple lies and gossip to gain attention and pity, i was not the most intelligent or the most pretty, no way. I was a big boned fat no OBESE  girl, who looked like a boy, no grace ,always head down, belonged to no circle , i mean no circle at all.

Imagine living all the days of your life being told words like this 'Silly ass'  'you are an embarrassment''  '' you wont amount to anything in life'' and consistently be compared to your friends and publicly shamed for your weight. Some will say i did not have God , but i was Born again , even zealous to a fault, it helped some days but other days it hurt. I had grown with no self confidence or self esteem that it even affected my choices in areas of relationships. I would date guys who showed my even a grain of affection and fall in love with them, looking back i can say half of them weren't worth my salt, but that  is what a feeling of neglect and self inferiority can do to you.

It started with cutting myself by mistake when i washed the plates , and then i did it purposely. When i got depressed then, i would go to the pharmacy in front of my home to ask for sleeping drugs and lie it was for my mum. There were the suicide letters too, so many of them. At that time ,death seemed so attractive, the thought of leaving this world so that many can be happy. Pills looked so absolutely delicious, like  candy and cutting myself felt like a challenge .

I am no more suicidal.

It was a process that started from a sermon i listened to in Church where the Pastor said;''if you kill yourself, guess what? life will continue the world will not stop rotating cause you are no more in existence''  It was then that I told myself to change my thinking.

But it was not easy. I had my days , i had  God  and good friends who have served as human angels to lift me up when that feeling sets in. I do not battle with low self esteem any more ,maybe a little self doubt but it quickly disappears after little push from people who believe in me. I have more cool and accomplished friends, i travel around the world, i pay no words to my haters and critics anymore, and i do not feel the need to force myself into relationships of friendships anymore. I have grown into my own woman, become more educated and qualified, exposed and more accomplished, my confidence is still a work i progress, but i am by no means a pushover anymore. This is who i am now...i have had a lot of regrets in my life , but i know now that if i had allowed the monsters in me win i would have more unforgiving regrets..CAN YOU IMAGINE ALL THE EXPERIENCE AND BLESSINGS I WOULD MISSED?!!

The world is cruel and as we keeping growing ,we are going to meet even worse individuals, but no person no situation no attack , bullying or criticism ,no matter where they are from is worth taking your life for. You were created for a purpose. We all have a seed of greatness within us , lets live our lives striving to achieve them. Yes, we will all die one day, but let our 'Landlord' be the one who takes it in his own time.. So with this i live these encouraging quotes from our friends at Google Image

That was a long one ....just felt i needed to let that out and help anyone , the Part 2 of my post Things i wish many parents to know will come up soon...i love you all and i wish you a wonderful day and a beautiful weekend and week ahead!

Love,
Faith.N