STARTING OUT (PART 1)

** If you missed my first post on this series please click HERE **

A lot of times people tell me they do not have time to go to the gym or time to work out.  Those who have time for it claim that getting a gym membership is too expensive. But the truth is that people are always looking for an easy way out of their situation. But as for this situation called obesity, THERE IS NO SHORTCUT. Did I disappoint you?  Sorry hun, you gotta work for that body you want!

I know that starting on a weight-loss journey can be daunting especially if you have no idea what to do. But honestly, you don’t need to know everything else you will be overwhelmed sooner than you can imagine. You do not always need a gym to workout. In fact, I know a lot of people who have lost tons of weight without stepping foot inside a gym. So what is your excuse? You have kids and you are also a working mother? I also know lots of working mothers that workout more than I do. Most of them wake up 30-40mins earlier than their kids just to get it done.  It’s called sacrifice and If they can, you can too.

There are so many exercises you can do right in your sitting room as you watch TV (instead of mindlessly nibbling on that chips/crisps/popcorn), exercises you can do on the bed 15mins mins before you sleep, quick workouts you can do before you jump in the shower or while you are waiting for your meal to get done.  If it is really important to you, you will take every opportunity you have to throw in a quick workout. No matter how short it is, it all adds up eventually.

 I didn’t start with a gym myself. In my previous post I mentioned that I started out brisk-walking 45mins to an hour. This later progressed to walking 5km 3 days a week and now I walk-run 10-12km

My first walk/run this year: 12km

on Saturdays as part of my weekly routine. I signed up for a 100KM challenge in December 2015 for the fun of it (I actually doubted I could do it) but I surprised myself and ended up doing about 129KM for the month!  Oh boy, and I am terrible at running so do not think you need to be perfect at these things. Most times I do a walk-run but hey, what matters most is that I am moving. That’s all.

In this piece I want to share some simple workouts you can start with and in part 2 next week I will share tips on how to I make better food choices that have worked for me. Don’t forget to let me know topics you would like to see me address regarding my weight-loss journey that might help you

THE BEGINNER’S WORKOUT

1.      WALKING – Just walk. As simple as this may sound yet it is very effective. If you are very new to working out, then this is your best bet! Walking is a natural and effective way to get the heart rate up.

Start off by walking just 30mins a day then increase your pace and duration over time. You can incorporate walking  in your daily routin by either ditching the cab or parking your car a few kilometers away from your destination and walking the rest of the way. Bad weather? i have you covered. You can walk indoors too. There are many videos online that can guide you. (see links below) 

The beauty of walking is that it can be done anywhere and no equipment required! All you need for this party is a good pair of trainers and your feet. lol. On the average , walking at a moderate pace burns 25--300 calories per hour. 

2.   SKIPPING -A lot of us probably played the skipping game while growing up but this exercise is no child’s play as it is one good cardio exercise that targets every part of the body. Again no gym is required and all you need is a rope and your legs! There are so many skipping challenges you can find online. I for example, challenge myself to complete 1,000 jumps in 30mins. Wanna try? lol

3.    DANCING -Whether you like to jump or jive, tap or tango, shake your belly or your booty, dancing is one of the most enjoyable ways to get some exercise. Regular dancing is great for losing weight, maintaining strong bones, improving posture and muscle strength, increasing balance and co-ordination, and beating stress. One of the best things about dancing is that while you're having fun moving to music, you are burning calories! All you need is a line-up of great upbeat music (not blues please lol), your dancing shoes or trainers and your body.  A 30-45mins dance session will definitely get you drenched!

4.    STAIR CLIMBING -Got stairs in your house or work place? Climb it! This is another great exercise I use as part of a circuit routine if I am doing a home workout. You can run or simply walk up and down the stairs for 25-30mins every day. Trust me, that heart rate will be going off the roof by the time you are half way done! There are so many workouts you can do with the stairs (triceps dip for arms, calf raises, jump-box, lunges etc) Also, opt for the stairs instead of the elevator next time

5.  SWIMMING -This is a great workout too. Unfortunately, I do not swim because I am hydrophobic. If you are not, then this will be a good for losing weight fast. People afraid of water like me can opt to aqua-jog. This simply means walking in the water with your feet touching the pool floor if you do not have the blue belt on. With the belt on, you can walk the length and breadth of the pool without your feet touch. The resistance the water gives your legs makes for a great workout. I have tried it a couple of times and I was SORE for days.

My 100 Circuit

“Oh ella I am not a beginner and I still want something I can do at home” I heard you. There are thousands of workouts online (no you tube needed so don’t complain about your data yet lol) You can try out one of my favorite home workout.  I call it ‘The 100 circuit’ and it will get your heart racing! The internet and social media is going crazy now with the fit life so there are millions free workout posts online. If you are ok with going on You-tube, I will recommend the following favorites of mine- 

• Jillian Michaels
• Lesllie Sansone
• Fitness Blender
• Palva Perfectleanbody

Remember, whether you are a beginner or at the intermediary level, the idea is to simply get moving frequently, establish a daily or weekly routine and build pace and confidence. It will also help if you add at least five minutes of easy stretch exercises at the end of your session.

Don't forget to follow my journey on Instagram (@ella_az) for daily motivation, my workout routines, meal ideas and struggles. 

FIRST, MY STORY...

New year, new things….

A year ago I never imagined I would be doing what I am doing now, let alone be writing about it.  A year ago I never thought I would get to a point where i would become passionate about living healthy or helping someone else become healthy.  Ha! Who would have thought? My weight-loss journey has been a very long and emotional one and writing about it means sharing a sensitive part of me with the world.  Shortly I will share how I came around to starting my weight-loss process but first of all let me explain why I have decided to blog about it.

The past few months a lot of people, especially ladies, ask me so many weight-loss related questions and in trying to answer them the best way I can, I realize that a lot of them are clueless, ignorant or have simply soaked up in myths about weight-loss. Sometimes I find it difficult to reach out to everyone who sends in their questions because of my tight schedule. So I decided to create a section on this blog which I will use to cover a broad range of topics regarding weight-loss. I do realize I will be putting myself in the spotlight by doing this but having given it a good thought, I decided it is best to share what I do with other women who are struggling with their weight especially in Nigeria. I still have a long way to go but I have also come a long way and I believe my experiences so far will help someone decide to hop on this fit wagon or help someone struggling with their journey.

I will like to emphatically state that I am NOT a nutritionist, weight-loss expert or professional health coach or trainer. Whatever I share over time will strictly be what I do that works for me. It can be used as a guide especially for people who are just starting out ; but I encourage everyone to do their own research and find what works for them because everyone is different.  I intend to share recipes of healthy meals (Nigerian foods especially) that I make, my workout routines, how I stay motivated and generally any other things that comes with my journey.  if there are any other aspects of weight-loss anyone is interested in seeing me discuss, please drop your comments below or send me a message directly and I will try to be as honest as possible

so here’s my story:

THE BEGINNING - I grew up as the chubby kid, chubby friend, chubby

R: Me in 2012 during my NYSC,  L: Me in Dec 2015

schoolmate…wait, who am I kidding? I was FAT! Lol.  I was constantly taunted about my weight and to make matters worse I was blessed with big hips and a generous behind. It was called baby fat as a kid and all the adults then said “she will outgrow it” Well I didn’t. Fast forward to when I had to stay at home for a year waiting to get into the university and the baby fat graduated to obesity. This time around people said “not everyone is meant to be slim” At 17 years I weighed about 75kg and by the time I finished university at 23 years I weighed over 100kg! I am barely 5ft 3" so you can imagine how all that weight made me look like - ROUND

Don’t get it wrong, I did try so many times to lose weight (especially trying fad diets and taking all manner of pills or concoctions) but somehow I piled it on again and I gave up so easily when I wasn’t seeing results fast.

MY EYE OPENER- In June 2014, after series of tests in the UK I was diagnosed with poly-cystic ovarian syndrome popularly called PCOS That was the first time I was hearing about it and I was truly afraid. Thankfully I was told it wasn’t cancerous or deadly but it messes up with a woman’s hormones. Sadly, one of the side effects of PCOS is USUAL WEIGHT GAIN and guess what? There is NO CURE for it. However, I was told that it could only be managed by losing weight. Hello???? How can I lose weight when the damn thing makes me gain weight? Of course this means that any effort to lose weight will be fought and I will have to put in twice the effort a normal person puts in. Phew! Was I ready for this stress? I took about two weeks to think about this and I eventually decided to try it out.

I began my weight loss journey in July 2014 weighing over 125kg and with a BMI of 49 screaming OBESITY. I decided I wanted a faster method so I went with the Cambridge diet –just another sophisticated fad diet if you ask me. This diet involves not eating any regular food but their shakes and soup. I really don’t know how I survived the 2months I signed up for but I managed to and lost a whooping 18kg in just those 9weeks! Yea the feeling of victory was good and I was beginning to love the new me. But it was short lived.

In September 2014 I lost my dad suddenly. That loss was unbearable and I was in a huge shock. I became depressed and by March 2015 I had automatically gained nearly all the weight back (about 13-15kg) 

GETTING IT RIGHT- April 2015 I decided to start all over again but this time the right way. I began to read about the best and effective way to shed weight without gaining it back. I wanted something sustainable. My research told me it was exercise and eating healthy! Of course I thought that meant not eating certain foods but I was wrong. I realized I could eat ANYTHING and still get results. I saw people on social media (Instagram doing it and I wanted to do it badly too).  I started out by jogging for about 45mins – an hour, 4-5 days a week then later registered in a gym. I later discovered the benefits of weight lifting and I incorporated that into my routine. NO, weight training doesn’t make a woman look like a man (topic for another day lol). 

My workout now includes cardio and weight training 5-6 days a week.  I changed my method of cooking and way of eating- I eat small portions, I eat less processed foods, use little or no oil to cook even my soups or stew, avoided simple carbs, eat more complex carbs, lean protein, vegetables and tons of water!  Like the popular sayings – WEIGHT LOSS IS 70% WHAT YOU EAT AND 30% WORKOUT and ABS ARE MADE IN THE KITCHEN.

PROGRESS- so far I have lost over 29kg bringing my weight to 95kg. I know PCOS slows down my progress but I am still happy with how far I have come. I have another 20kg to go but I will be taking it one day at a time.

CURRENT PROGRESS- 125kg Versus 95kg

I want someone reading this who has lost hope about losing weight to know that it is still possible!

I want women to realize that there is no magic about weight-loss, you simply need to put in work and get results!

I want someone to know that you can enjoy yourself and still lose weight. No need for the strenuous restrictions we hear about.

Is it easy? NO. but is it doable? YES! Will it be worth it? Oh YES!!

**P.S- you can follow my journey on Instagram for daily motivation, my daily workout routines, meals  and struggles (@ella_az) 

ELLA

LIFE AS SHE SEES IT : VOWS by Adesuwa

SOURCE : www.djalandodson.com

"My son is autistic”.

Her words hung in the air like a stench. I tried to digest the import of what she had said for some seconds. To be honest I was not paying attention to her until she said those words. I was thinking about all the files piled up on my table and the couple who had left me about an hour ago. Their problem was that they had no problems at all. They have five lovely kids who were doing well, very good jobs and appeared to lack nothing. However, Mr. Husband needed a son and has recruited a mistress to bear him one culminating into a call for divorce by his wife. It was tough sitting through the session with them, all the while asking myself if family law was the only branch of law my brains could carry.

I shifted in my seat and studied the woman sitting in front of me closely. Suddenly, my office felt small. I always considered it to be lush and comforting but not today.

Mrs. Ofoluwa is a kind of person one would describe as calm and collected, not a hair out of place and to crown it all she is beautiful. She carried herself with poise, which was both sensual and overpowering; She was tall, ebony skinned, did her hair into a bun… I Snapped out of my reverie, grabbed my pen, wrote ‘autistic’ on my note pad and looked up at her raising my eye brows.

“I did not discover this until Timi was about sixteen months old when he was diagnosed to be suffering from Autism Spectrum Disorder”She sighed deeply and shifted her gaze to the calendar hanging on the wall. 

"There was something quirky about him. He hardly made eye contact and almost did not feel pain. He would hit his head continuously on the wall or any available surface, he did not respond to his name until you repeatedly called out to him. He could not walk or pronounce words, not even ‘Timi”. Soon the daycare center where I registered him with, to help care for him while I went to work started complaining about his behavior. I took him to another and another but it was the same story. It was embarrassing, so I resolved to home-school him but after hiring about three teachers to do this, I gave up. I resigned from my job so I could always be there for him. He did not get better, it was worse when he was upset. He could not express himself, he would throw things, hit people and yell!” she held her head.

She returned her gaze to me, her eyes full of tears. I felt weak and glued to my chair. “Do you know what it kmeans to have a sick child who can not tell you what he is feeling?” She stood up and started pacing. 

"What did I not do? At first I was in shock and blamed myself for inflicting him with autism. I would cry and cry. Then I ran to God, Oh! I prayed!” She slammed my table with her palm without notice, my hand flew to my chest. She had this wild glare and she leaned towards me. With the way she looked, anything I said at that time could fetch me a slap so I looked down to the floor and folded my arms.

“I fasted and organized vigils for my son. I even allowed one of these white garment churches scrape his hair during one of the many prayer sessions. God did not answer me” She wailed. 

“I could not take him outside the house, because he could start his tantrums and people would stare down at me like I was a failure as a Mother. One woman once said I spoiled him and was a bad mother”.

She stood straight and folded her arms, “I was broken and vexed at God. Well, I picked up myself and started researching. The doctors said there was no cure for autism but that I could learn to help Timi to manage it. First, I joined other parents suffering same online and read every material I could lay my hands on about autism. Ha! Barrister I read. I learnt to care for him, placed him on a special diet and gathered that autistic children had huge amounts of iron in their blood. I sent his specimen to a hospital at India to find out how much iron he had in his system. It was quite high, but I drew strength from the Autistic community I joined and learnt a lot. With time, his iron levels dropped.  Timi started walking at three years old and said his first word when he was four. His first word was ‘Mummy’” tears flowed freely from her eyes. 

I walked to where she stood and wrapped my arms around her shoulder, I cried with her. We stood that way for a while, then I led her to the sofa at the corner of my office. She held my hands tightly.

 “In all of this Fola was never there” She looked bewildered

“Who is Fola?”

“My husband”

“He blamed me and even called me a witch! Yeh! emi? Me” She flung my hands aside and stood up again. “We swore for better for worse! In sickness and in health!” she was shouting now and beating her chest.

“Please…” I stood up spreading my arms.

She held out her hand at me, signaling me to stop talking. Her makeup was skewed, tears had mixed with mucus and was dribbling down her jaw. “What can you call what I went through all alone? What is the purpose of marriage!?” She sank to her knees

“I feel betrayed. Since Timi’s illness started, Fola changed. I cannot remember when he held Timi or called him ‘son’” She looked into oblivion, appearing to be very deep in thoughts as I searched for words to say.

To be Continued

DOES THE SEX MATTER?

Oh how I have missed doing this! A couple of people have asked me if I have “stopped writing” because I haven’t posted on the blog in a while. No I haven’t stopped writing.  I can’t even if I tried to be honest. In fact what has happened is that recently I have been doing a different type of writing because I went back to school (yea yea, I no dey tire for book abi? haha) and I have been swamped with research and deadlines. There is so much I want to write but I lack the time to type them up so I have been stuck with writing and storing in my head. I have also been focusing more on my fitness journey which I tell you is consuming on its own!  PHEW! Maybe one of these days I might do a piece on how I have lost 26kg so far (about 20kg more to go), developed a new mindset, gained my confidence back and the ups and downs that comes with weight-loss (the struggle is real people!) .  So you see, juggling all that with writing for the blog hasn’t been easy. I need to learn to balance it. 

Today’s piece was inspired by my conversation with a new friend of mine.  Our latest conversation made me realize how much pressure the African woman puts on herself to please society. My friend is happily married with 4 beautiful kids but the “problem” is that they are all GIRLS!  Well to her it’s a problem! Why? Because they are ALL GIRLS.

SOURCE- www.healthyblackwoman.com

She is currently partnering with her gynecologist to try for another baby which she hopes will be a boy.  I was curious to know why because she seemed so worried by it.   In a nutshell her husband is the first son, and the wife of the second son already has 2 boys. To her she feels as though he has made her husband loose his “position and inheritance within the family by not giving him a son  and wants a chance to make things right”  I bet a lot women have this mentality and are in such circumstances where they constantly heap blame on themselves for not giving the man a son.   What a defeatist feeling!

Hold on honey. First things first, you are not the one who GIVES a son.  It is up to God to give us whatever he knows is best for us.  Ever seen or heard stories of pregnant women that do a scan at the 8th or 9th month and are so confident of the baby’s sex, only to end up with a different sex entirely or with more than the number of babies the doctor saw?  That goes to show that we as humans have limited control over a baby’s sex. Of course someone will argue that we can pray whatever we want into existence by faith but isn’t it still left to God to make it happen? 

Second, we need to start seeing every child as IMPORTANT and a BLESSING from God.  It’s worrisome to know that some children are more preferred than some. In other words, some are born to fulfill a particular purpose while are just born to fill the earth?   Wrong. Both the female child and male are beautiful and equal and it’s about time we started seeing them as that.  Why bring in children into the world you won’t love equally? Why should the sex of a child play a role on how much he/she is valued? Why should this even matter? Its 2015 guys!  Oh wait, what am I saying? Its 2015 and female genital mutilation, child/forced marriage, wife inheritance, widowhood rites, marital rape etc still happens.  So no surprises here.

Third, STOP PRESSURING YOURSELF!  It is bad enough that we are women from a cultural background that unfortunately encourages male domination/intimidation and constantly under pressure by the society to live up to “standard” (which rarely favors the woman) isn’t that hard enough? Why add more?  Self-imposed pressure is almost suicidal if I am asked because you only end up putting your health at risk and not enjoying your marriage or children!  Not having an “heir” doesn’t in any way make you a failure. After all the pregnancy problems, bizarre changes some of our bodies go through, the long labor pains, the painful c-section e.t.c ?  Oh no you are not! In fact you are the strongest creature alive and you deserve to celebrate yourself! 

Today I compared this lady’s situation with thousands of women who have been waiting so long to experience motherhood and I am 150% sure the latter would give an arm to be in her shoes. Talk about ingratitude!  Again, I expect someone to argue that I can sit in my own corner and say all this because I am not married or had just girls. Yes, you are right on both accounts but I promise you that I do not and will never think of a girl-child any less than I would think of a boy-child (although I am slightly partial to the girls…not unexpected though. LOL) but seriously, I will appreciate any sex God blesses me with. 

Finally, dear woman, please learn to relax and enjoy your God given role as a woman –a help-meet to your man. When God says we are a “help-meet”, I am not sure he meant we are to be perfectionists that will drive the man into his place of inheritance.  He definitely expects us to let Him work through us to bring fulfillment to our spouse. 

WOMEN, LOVE AND AFRICA

Recently I witnessed a situation that got me both upset and angry at the same time. Here’s a summary of what happened:

A young friend of mine has been married for about four years now to her husband and they both have 2 beautiful kids.  She had complained severally that her husband seemed to be cheating on her. He was in the habit of staying out late, leaving the room to pick his calls and going for sudden unplanned “conferences” etc. The signs were obviously there. The few times she mustered courage to confront him, he would knock her around her and not speak to her or touch her for days and sometimes weeks. Everyone told her to endure….

Eventually, she got information that her husband not only spends time with a particular lady in the same town, but also rented the apartment where they both stay. She went fishing and found them in the said apartment. There was exchange of words between the three of them and somehow a fight ensued between both women. Her husband later left with the lady. On the night of same day, he beat her up black and blue then sent her out of their home with nothing except the clothes she had on. She put up with a friend that night. The next day, her husband asked her to come and pack her things and leave with the kids. This she did unwillingly.

Family eventually stepped in and she was advised to apologize to him so she could take her back. she did and after series of pleading by all who cared to talk to him, he reluctantly asked her to come home but on his terms- he took away her car keys and phone from her, he won’t give her money anymore (she’s a house wife) and their first daughter who is two and half years old will no longer attend the play school but will be home schooled by the wife.

As I write, it’s been about two months now and her husband doesn’t speak to her or eat her meals. All this while all she has been told is to endure and pray….

SOURCE: www.360nobs.com

Believe me, a lot more than this happened which I cannot bore you with. However, during the few meetings held to settle this case, I kept asking why the man, whose actions directly and indirectly is the cause of the whole drama in the first place, will not be called to order. I was of the opinion that his constant cheating habit needs to be addressed because he has apparently forgotten what marriage means or how sacred the vows he took before God to love and cherish his wife are.  This was the response I got from the mothers present:
 “This is Africa o and it is the man who is marrying you not the other way round.  These things happen and cannot be avoided. A woman should only pray to have to have kids and so long the man keeps providing for her and the kids , she should just ignore his excesses. She has to learn to make herself happy”
One of the women even went as far as saying that “African men are incapable of loving a woman truly. All that one happens with oyibo people” 

I was visibly angry and gave them a piece of my mind and of course I was tagged as being young and blinded by “women emancipation and human rights thinking”.  This wasn’t the first time I had heard such lie but coming from people I saw as well educated made me cringe. Apparently they were talking for their personal experiences unfortunately.

Well, contrary to popular beliefs, I do not agree that men are polygamous in nature, men are dogs or that all men must cheat. NO! IT IS A BIG LIE!  This has nothing to do with women emancipation, being a feminist or believing in human rights. I think people conjure up such crap to suit themselves and make excuses for their bad actions/habits. My stand is that CHEATING like everything else in life is a CHOICE and is not restricted to any particular race or gender.  Both can. The same SELF-CONTROL is available to both the male and female alike. You have a choice to either take that girl you met at a bar to a hotel room or not. You have a choice to either take your clothes off for another man or not as a woman. At that decision making point, you have a choice to either listen to the quiet voice in your head telling you to stop right there or regret your actions later; or simply throw caution to the wind and damn the consequences.

The reason why a lot of men in our society seem to think “it is our right to cheat” exclusively and even brag about it audaciously is because of the society has deceived them into believing that they are incapable of living a normal life with one woman.  They grow up seeing this happen around them and even in their homes. Sadly too, women, especially African women, have been brain washed to believe these lies and continue to pass them on to their female children generation after generation. This is why our mothers endure a lot of crap from men in silence and hang on desperately to a man who shamelessly cannot keep his eyes/hands off every other woman he sees. Growing up to witness this continuous cycle, we are now forced to think this is how life should be.

 Just like in the life scenario above, all everyone seems to be concerned with is the “poor attitude” of the young woman towards her husband and how she handled the discovery of his mistress. Agreed, she didn’t handle that particular issue with wisdom because I would never advise a woman to fight her husband in public.  Besides the fact that he is still your husband (your head),  It is absolutely wrong and doesn’t speak well of your ability to control your emotions.  But then again, we cannot overlook the fact that it was a display of pent up frustration which people handle differently. Her ill-informed actions however, does not preclude the man from being cautioned and made to see that he is very wrong. He broke his VOWS for crying out loud and there we were concerned more about massaging his African ego when he should be the one crawling and begging to be taken back. Oh please! What happened to “Husbands love your wife as Christ loved the church?” (Ephesians 5:25) Question is HOW DID CHRIST LOVE THE CHURCH? 

I have met a number of single men and married men alike who do not cheat. Yes there are such men. Do not turn up your nose just yet. The fact you aren’t staying faithful doesn’t mean that someone else isn’t. Look around you, not everyone trivializes sex, relationships, faithfulness and marriage. There is nothing like “A man cannot be faithful” ,it’s all about STANDARDS and VALUES which has little to do with morality if you ask me.  You will rubbish whatever you do not value (including relationships, marriage and a wife) and a man without standards will be easily swayed to the tune of the ungodly bandwagon.  On the other hand your standards and values determine what you will fight for or refuse to settle for.

Dear African woman, do not settle, endure or manage a cheating man just because you have been told that “All men are the same” You are too precious to be treated as a piece of rag that cannot have a say.  For the sake of clarity, I will never advice a married woman to leave her home if her husband cheats on her but then I will never advise her to endure and suffer in silence.  Apply wisdom and SPEAK UP because you deserve to be treated better and should be heard. You have to consciously believe that:

• Relationship/marriage is NOT meant to be endured but enjoyed. Therefore, you have a right to talk about the issues that make you unhappy in it and vice versa.
• Oh yes, African men are capable of loving their women. Love is not restricted to men of other races.
• Men are NOT polygamous in nature and can stick to loving that woman they choose to be with.
• No man is a dog. God forbid.  To say that is to make nonsense the creation work of God himself. If man was created in the “image and likeness of God” how dare we lower his creation to dogs far beneath our status?
• All men DO NOT cheat. Trust me I know so.  Besides the fact that there is no genetic or scientific proof of this, there are men around us who have proven that it is possible not to sleep around.
• Men are NOT more likely to cheat than women.  Same reason I gave above.  Both gender have the ability to cultivate self-control.
• Cheating is a choice.

To everyone, both male and female, who grew up hearing the lie that it is okay to cheat, who saw that lie lived before their eyes, who read M&B or Hints magazine documenting lives of cheaters as "cool", I tell you FAITHFULNESS is possible, attainable and achievable! AS A MAN THINKETH IN HIS HEART SO IS HE!

Love, Always

ELLA

MISPLACED PRIORITIES!

This is a true life story.

SOURCE - www.234forum.com

I have been very good friends with David (not his real name) for about 3 months now and never for one day did he mention he was married. There was almost nothing to make me suspect his status –no wedding band, no pictures, no mention of a family. Not that I was checking anyway but it is always easy to sniff out a married man.  Recently we talked, really talked and out it came. He has been married for a little over 3 years and has a son with his wife. So what was the problem? Why doesn’t he ever talk about his family?  It was obvious he loved his son so much but not his wife. WHY??? 

Here’s what I found out. He met his wife 6 years ago while they were serving as corps members. She was actually crowned the “Miss NYSC” of their batch so I imagine she must have been tall and very pretty.  Naturally, beauty queens are usually slim and was that way when they got married. They were happy until she got pregnant and had their first child. My friend gradually began to lose interest in his wife the moment she got out of shape while she was pregnant. It got worse after she put to bed because she never lost the "baby fat" and has even become bigger than when she was pregnant. 

I got curious and asked why he was so bothered about her weight. He said he had always loved her figure while they were dating and that was one of the reasons why he married her in the first place.  (The ONLY reason if you ask me) Now she disgusts him and he can’t bear the thought of touching her. so the sex is gone too. It seems as though the more he hates her, the bigger she gets. They never go out together anymore, they keep fighting over the slightest issues and he now spends more time outside his home. He is even contemplating leaving her.

This scenario isn’t new. It is just one of the many issues that go on within marriages and relationships today. After nearly two hours of listening, one phrase kept ringing in my head – WRONG FOUNDATION. I am no marriage/relationship expert but I do know that any relationship/marriage built on a wrong foundation will fall just like a pack of cards –like this one was about to –sooner or later. 

SOURCE- www.blackloveadvice.com

It’s ok to love and marry a man for his six packs, his height, a woman for her curves, hips, eyes, pretty face etc. However, the crucial question here is – when that physical attribute you love that person for is taken away, WILL YOU STILL LOVE HIM/HER?  What happens when Mr Six-pack stops working out and graduates to Mr Pot-belly? What happens if that pretty tall lady has an accident, gets a burnt face and ends up in a wheel chair for life or gets her legs amputated? Of course, no one sits to pray for evil but life sometimes moves in directions we never expect. Change is constant.

CHARACTER and ATTITUDE should take priority over any physical attribute. There are so many other things that one should consider before tying the knot. Today my friend and his young marriage is suffering because he misplaced his priorities and settled for a woman’s physical beauty. I strongly suspect that his wife is probably adding more weight because she is depressed by his behavior and sudden lack of support. You cannot blame her really. Coping with a one year old, work pressure and living with a man who resents you cannot be an easy situation to live with. It must be a terrible feeling to suddenly find out that a man you thought really loved you only loved you for what you had, that he resents you now for not being able to maintain that which he loves you for. I cannot imagine living with such pressure!

How does one undo such a mistake? His options are limited if you ask me. I gave him the following advice:

• ·        Seek good counselling.
• ·         Look out for her other qualities and learn to love her for them. Everyone has a good attribute if you look hard enough.
• ·         Communication is key. Talk to her about the things you do not like and work together to correct them.
• ·         Emotional , spiritual and physical support are very important if he intends to mend his marriage
• ·         Divorce her. Join millions of other separated couples around the world and subject your poor innocent son to growing up without the gift of a happy home.

Mind you, none of these options (1-4) are easy. It will only take an open mind and willing heart to try them out. Option 5 is the easy way out if the parties do not want to bother themselves with repairing their broken walls but the long term effects won’t be easy on both especially their son.

If you are currently in a relationship, do this little exercise - write out the things you love about your partner. If most are centered on the physical, you need to check your heart again. Ask yourself how long that physical trait can be maintained and what will happen to your heart if ever it is no more. Will your love still remain?

A house built on a FAULTY FOUNDATION will never stand the test of time!

N.B- My friend will appreciate advice from the reader in addition to the ones the writer has given him. kindly write your comments below. 

Thank you! 

THE HAND LUGGAGE

I am at the Nnamdi Azikiwe international airport feeling very hot and my pores clogged with so much sweat. With the way the very high ceiling fan blades were lazily chasing each other, it was either a case of low voltage or someone didn’t think passengers needed the cool air. Of course I went with the former option, knowing my country well. Who approved for the ceiling fans to be placed so high in the first place? And why in God’s name isn’t there air conditioning in an “International Airport”, one in the capital of a country for that matter? I sighed and continued to struggle with my “hand luggage” as we queued up to have our passports checked.  Well, I am a typical Nigerian who tries to fit in 23kg if possible in a tiny hand luggage box, carry a huge sleep over bag as “handbag” and still bring a laptop bag along. The international airport officials in other countries have given up on us.

This is could be me .... ok not this bad LOL!
SOURCE- www.livehappy.com

It was obvious I was struggling with my luggage and this fine gentleman walks up beside me to help. Gladly I oblige him. He waits for me to get through immigration and after a brief chat we exchange numbers. Why not? This dude is hot plus no ring on the left hand (first thing I always check) so I am safe right?

Two months later, after I have given up on him, hot dude finally calls. He’s been “in and out of the country for some meeting…working on some project for an international airline….bla bla bla”  Ah! Correct guy. I suppose he was worth the wait.  Sorry, but some of us sisters won’t mind if the brother comes “made”….Okay… half made will do. We all want the fine things and it is not every day a girl wants to hear mother’s IT-IS-BEST-TO-BUILD-THE-WEALTH-WITH-YOUR-MAN/HUSBAND-SERMON.

“Can we have a drink sometime?” nawah o, is he asking?

“Well, it depends on when to be sure it fits into my schedule” My reply is casual. A girl cannot sound too eager or excited abi?

“Say Tuesday next week, 3pm?”

“Let me see….” I pause as though I am really checking my ‘schedule’    “How about Wednesday 5:45pm?”

“That’s perfect actually. Will be at the Hilton lounge at 5:30pm, see u there”

Hilton….it even gets better!

WEDNESDAY 5:45PM….

We did a bit of chit chat about everything and nothing but I make him talk more about himself. He’s so much fun to talk to really.  Within the first 35 minutes I make two discoveries:

He is married. Very married.

He has 4 kids with his wife and they all live with him here in Abuja.

AN HOUR LATER…

“I am afraid I have to run” I mean that literally

“So soon? I thought you were enjoying my company?”

“Oh, I do not enjoy the company of married men. Especially those who do not wear their wedding bands.” I smile nicely at him.

“Errr…its not like that you know…I was thinking…” Aha! I caught him off guard. I guess I was too blunt. But mehn, who was I fooling? I am honestly tired of being nice in the face of deception.

“Thank you for the drink and please would you mind not calling my number again?” I am standing already with my arm stretched for a handshake and a plastic smile plastered on my face mostly for the benefit of those around and to save him the embarrassment.

As I drove home, all I did was wonder why most married men find it difficult to wear their wedding bands. Or was a Nigerian thing too?  I made a mental note to never carry a lot as hand luggage again. 

The NOT-SO-MADE-BROTHERS were probably best after all. 

BEFORE 30...

SOURCE: medym.weebly.com

Not sure if a lot of people are aware of the new series on Ebony Life TV called ‘BEFORE 30’.  It is quite interesting and entertaining. In summary, it mirrors the pressure society and family puts on  ladies to tie the knot before they hit the BIG 30. People, the pressure is REAL! I remember a scene where Temi’s father asked her (a 28year old successful lawyer, played by Damilola Adegbite-Atoh) if she wanted to end up like Oprah Winfery. The look on her face was epic! Here some of us are thinking of Oprah as an achiever and icon meanwhile some people regard her a ‘failure' because she hasn't traded her maiden name for a man’s. I wonder what our feminist Chimamanda Adichie will have to say about this. LOL.

I can totally relate to the story line so far because at the moment,  in fact since I was a day past 25 years old, I have literally felt people breathing down my neck. It seems as though friends, family and even enemies have a marriage related question or statement to ask/make. Even when the matter at hand is not marriage related, they all find a way to corner it there!

“Ah! My dear congrats on your graduation o! it is now remaining our asoebi o” ----An amebo  family friend

“Sweetie what’s up? Anyone yet? How far with that other Yoruba guy?” ---- A frenemy pretending to sympathise with you but making sure your train isn’t moving faster than hers.

“Kai! Nawah for men o. God will bring a good man your way u hear?” ----- A friend looking for gist

“Ehen! Am sure this one you have lost small weight they will start rushing you!” ----Some nosy aunty (what?! Seriously????)

“My dear, this material will be nice on your friends for asoebi. What do you think?” ----Mum

“Hmmmmn, you need to see the lovely coral beads I saw today. I have to go back and buy them for your wedding” ------Mum (Hello mother! There’s no man yet! Ok, she must be speaking by faith)

“There’s this boy from our place I need you to meet”-----Uncle (Oh please, not me! The hook up you did for our cousin was a disaster LOL)

Initially I used to laugh over these kinds of talks then I graduated to being angry. But after I realised that I was only punishing myself unnecessarily I adopted a different method – smiling outwardly and feeling indifferent inwardly. And it worked!

Like SERIOUSLY? oh please! SMH

Why does the (Nigerian) society derive joy from making a single 28 or 29 year old lady miserable and inadequate? Ok I know it has to do with our culture but things have changed in that department. Why can’t our mentality towards marriage change like technology is moving, making everything smart these days eh? Nearly every day on Instagram I read people’s comments on some single mature celebrity’s picture asking when they will get married. How rude! Myopic people who won’t mind their business! The world is changing guys. A woman’s achievement should no longer be tied to her marital status or measured by it.

Has it not occurred to these people that if most single ladies had their way they would be happily married? Has it occurred to these people that marriage isn’t for everyone? Actually some people have phobia for marriage or commitment in general (click here GAMOPHOBIA).  Some ladies (and men alike) have been through some terrible relationships that have scared them deeply that the mere thought of the opposite sex or a lifelong commitment to one puts them off. So how dare you go about “harassing and assaulting” people with your incessant questions and words simply because they are single?! There is more to life really.  

Those in Abuja say “’Abuja men’ are not serious. Most are married and all they want is a booty call when it suits them” Those in Lagos complain of same thing while those in Port Harcourt say the men do not like commitment. In fact a friend once said to me that the men consider most Port Harcourt ladies wild and unmarriageable.  Personally I can testify that the men who are willing and readily ‘available’ are the unavailable married men. They do not hide their status and have the nerve to openly ask a lady (with all her intelligence) to be his girl-friend. Why? Because he thinks he can offer much more than the single men are offering. Hmmn! So you see part of the problem? A woman won’t marry herself (in this part of the planet anyway) so understand that she is waiting patiently for the man same way you are waiting for her to share her asoebi and invitation card.

It will come. For every single lady, no matter the age, marriage will surely come if you really desire

Please where is this company? I am interested. LOL
SOURCE: livinginbelgrade.com

it. But like I always tell my friends, I am allowed to make mistakes in my choice of a man if I were between the ages of 20-24 years. Yes, I will be pardoned. But I cannot take a wrong turn or miss a step at this age. I haven’t waited this long to settle for less or live the rest of my life in a marriage I will endure. This I believe should be the watch word of any mature single lady.  Sweetie, if you are mature and still single, you are very normal and have not committed a crime or abomination. Keep telling yourself that you are waiting for the best because you deserve the very best.  Those around you will catch up someday. 

In the words of my grandma, God bless her soul, “you have a short while to be a girl and all your life to be a woman” I have modified this to “You have a short time to be single and all your life to be married”  Someone will now say I am busy consoling and deceiving myself. No I am not. What is the use worrying or killing myself over something I cannot change? That is why I have made it a point of duty to truly enjoy and savour the liberty and luxuries that comes with my singlehood; and to be happy in the short while I have. Oh yes there are luxuries!. If you have been in a shitty relationship before like me where you were taken for granted and made to eat CRAP just for the sake of being in a relationship, you will understand what I mean. These truths are bitter but someone has to say them right?

Finally, in the meantime, while we are waiting, can y’all get off our backs?! LOL.

PERSONAL MEDITATION

SOURCE: imgkid.com

THEN GOD LOOKED OVER ALL HE HAD MADE (INCLUDING ME), AND HE SAW THAT IT WAS EXCELLENT IN EVERY WAY. -----Genesis 1 vs 31 (New Living Translation version, addition and emphasis mine)

For a few weeks now I have been mediating on the above scripture.   I have read it countless times before now but it was as if I suddenly understood the true meaning of what that verse meant - that I am excellent/perfect in every way in spite of my flaws. In fact, my flaws are not a surprise to my maker because he is well aware of them before he made me!

This revelation got me thinking for weeks.  Thinking of how much I beat myself up for failing God every time.  It was absolutely not necessary!  I realized that what is important is to see my flawed self the way God sees me -EXCELLENT- and to love myself with all my failings just like he does - UNCONDITIONALLY.

Of course this doesn't mean I am now at liberty to fall short of his righteousness. It means that even when I don't meet up to the kingdom's expectations, God's love and grace is still available. Most importantly HE doesn't see me anymore less than when he first created me. If God had a problem with the way we were, then it wouldn’t be true that we were made in His image and likeness (Gen 1:26) and we cannot be called gods. (Psalm 82:6, John 10:34) But Jesus himself did! Because He knows us more than we know ourselves.

Just last week, my eyes and mind opened to another beautiful verse:

WHEN YOU HAVE CHRIST, YOU ARE COMPLETE….-----Colossians 2 vs 10 (New Life Version)

What?! The word COMPLETE in this verse crowns it all. So in addition to being excellent, I am also complete in Him!  This got me super excited because it means so many things to me. I now understood all over again that I do not need anything/anyone to feel complete. Marriage, material wealth, boyfriend, husband, a fantastic job, children, money, power etc is not what makes a person WHOLE.  Yes all those are important but they do not bring fulfilment. Wholeness can only be found or given by God alone.

So why have I (we) been fretting, running from pillar to post for the things I want, the job I want, meeting the man of my dreams, building the family I crave for, having great friends etc all in the bid to feel complete?

This is the situation most of us Christians find ourselves in. We keep seeking mundane things to fill our void without realizing that our COMPLETION is already given and guaranteed in Christ. In other words, that void in our life has been taken care of. There is no need to look elsewhere.  Absolutely no need.

I am still mediating on these scriptures and each day something new jumps out of them to me. It is all refreshing and amazing seeing myself from a whole new beautiful perspective. I feel as though I am this wonderful painting on God’s own canvass worth an unmentionable amount.

 In the meantime, I have come to the conclusion that we are a bunch of people (Christians) living with so much power that we are ignorant of. I pray that God through the Holy Spirit, will open our eyes of understanding. Amen.

Have a Fab week! xxx

MARRIED WOMEN STAY OFF SINGLE FRIENDS!

“OMG! Bayo proposed!”

“It’s a lie!”

“Awwww!”

“Uuhhh!”

“Cute!”

“Lovely ring!”

“We should start planning and shopping!”

“There must be a bridal shower!”

SOURCE: nubride.com

And on and on it goes when one of your girlfriends gets hooked. Plans are made, asoebis are bought, the bridal shower is planned and everyone works hard to make the bride happy. Fast forward to one year after the wedding and the newly married now realises that she has nothing In common with her single friends, does not have time to hang out with them. After all, what is there to discuss with them? What do they know about marriage and how difficult it can be to manage a home? She cannot afford to have her husband snatched too! She has a new set of marriage problems which her single friends’ minds cannot comprehend.

Hey, before you prepare to bite my head off I will tell you that I have married friends who are cool. Very cool actually and I have an excellent relationship with them. I am not talking of those types. I am talking of those who ditch both singlehood and their single friends. If truth be told, a lot of ladies get married and part ways with their single friends be it consciously or unconsciously causing estrangement, strife and rivalry. I have personally seen best friends grow apart as soon as one of them gets married.

A few years ago I was at a friend’s bridal shower where another of our married friend openly advised the bride-to-be to “learn to surround yourself with married friends now o and do not let in distractions. You won’t need that in your marriage….”. In other words,  “BEWARE OF ANY SINGLE FRIEND! THEY ARE DISTRACTIONS!”  I remember clearly the uncomfortable laughter from those present (90% of us there were single for crying out loud!) and how I cringed at that statement thinking “Hey, it’s not like single ladies go around looking for marriages to crash!” It cannot be that bad. LOL. However, it seemed our dear friend took that advice hook line and sinker and went MIA for a long time. At first I assumed she was still trying to adjust to a new home and routine. When weeks turned to long months accompanied with constant “sorry I am busy…” stories to our suggestions to have an all-girl-day-out, I had to finally admit to myself that we (her single friends) were no longer in her clique. She was probably busy making new married friends like she was advised to do. 

The question here is SHOULD A MARRIED WOMAN STILL MAINTAIN CLOSE FRIENDSHIP WITH HER SINGLE FRIENDS OR LEAVE THEM IN HER PAST once she says “I-DO” ?

Some married ladies who are guilty of this behaviour might give the following reasons:

• ·         They are trying to protect their husband and marriage by keeping their single friends away;
• ·         Their interests are no longer mutual;
• ·         They are busy, not easy caring for a husband, kids and chores too;
• ·         Their husbands might not approve of these friends. etc (add yours here)

Well, while they might be valid points I strongly believe that it should be an individual thing not something that should be done simply because it is the norm. Variety should be the key. No one should be “dropped” simply because she is still single. You should know your friends. Not every single friend is jealous of you or has plans to snatch your husband from you. How come they were not jealous when they helped plan your wedding, bought asoebi or bridesmaids’ wear or helped serve your guests at your wedding?

I must emphasise at this point again that what works for Mrs A might not work for Mrs B.  Therefore, it is very important to understand the kind of husband and friends you have. If you feel your husband might be tempted to go after a certain friend, then by all means protect your marriage by keeping that friend from within eye-range of your man but keep her in your life! My dear it is called balancing and maturity.  Do not assume or make every single friend in your life a monster. I still insist it is never that serious!

I will also be fair in saying that the married ones are not the only ones guilty here. A lot of single ladies distance or isolate themselves once their friends get hitched. This doesn’t make sense especially if that married friend is the type open to maintaining the friendship. Besides, there is always a lot to learn from people’s marital experiences. (If they share them)

Any true good friend should continue to be part of your life whether married or single. So what if that single friend never marries? You ditch her forever?   What if you divorce tomorrow and become single again? Little prejudice if you ask me. 

Your single friend can still be a good friend, listen to your marriage problems, the interesting happenings and still offer a good advice where necessary. I do not believe that I need a rock on my finger to be able to listen objectively and give a reasonable opinion to my married friends when it is called for.